


we'll touch the other side

by alison



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Broken Engagement, Bucket List, Fuckbuddies, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 07:23:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2459834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alison/pseuds/alison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>niall is getting married to his longtime girlfriend. nick is the dj for the wedding. somehow niall ends up spending what was supposed to be the week of his honeymoon in nick's flat, starting over.</p><p>(a wedding that doesn't happen, a bucket list that does, and just a bit of madness.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	we'll touch the other side

**Author's Note:**

> many thanks to [caitlin](http://carswinky.tumblr.com/) for the beta and [claire](http://tomlingalore.tumblr.com/) for the britpick. any remaining mistakes are all mine.
> 
> niall essentially leaves a girl at the alter in this fic. be advised if you're sensitive to that sort of thing.

Niall likes to think of himself as a fairly simple lad. He likes video games and football, hot girls and cold beer, the comfort of his family, lazily plucking the strings on his guitar. It's not hard for Niall to be happy; he's easily pleased.

People always think there's more to him, it seems, but there's really not. He's simple, uncomplicated, just Niall.

Or, at least, he was.

~~

~~

The itch started a month or so before the wedding. He couldn't place it, just knew that he started waking up feeling unsettled and started going to sleep feeling like he was forgetting something. There was something crawling under his skin, hidden just beneath the surface that he couldn't quite reach.

It wasn't strong, wasn't anything that left him gasping for breath; it was just a constant hum buzzing inside him, like the beginnings of an anxiety attack before it actually hits. He ignored it for the most part, attributing it to the cold, damp weather, the grey that had become a permanent backdrop for the city. He ignored it, but never really successfully. It was always there, that itch.

Two weeks before the wedding, he felt it throb more persistently as he followed his fiancée to tuxedo fittings and cake tastings, nodding his half-hearted approval as she showed him centerpieces and seating charts. He got jittery and confused because he's a simple man and simple men don't get cold feet before their weddings. Simple men smile and get married and have babies; they don't need to question any of it. He'd never had a problem with any of it before.

A week before the wedding, he and his fiancée met with their DJ, Nick, to discuss song choices. They'd met the bloke once before when they had booked him a few weeks back and as he sat down across from Niall in a crowded Starbucks, smiling up at him, Niall's skin buzzed curiously.

He sat mostly silent, studying the man across from him as his fiancée listed off songs they were considering. He didn't get it, didn't understand what it was about this man that intrigued him. He felt something like jealousy or maybe just admiration and he didn't even know why. His head was a mess and his head was not generally messy.

When his fiancée left, realising she was late for her shift at the hospital, Niall kissed her goodbye and waited until she was out the door before taking a deep breath and leaning over the table, feeling a little bit reckless.

“What do you say we go get bollixed? My treat?”

Nick had hesitated, seeming to study Niall, too, for a long moment before a smile slowly lit up his face. “Your treat? I'm in.”

~~

They went to a pub and drank. And drank some more. They drank until Niall couldn't feel his toes, until he didn't have the sense not to tell Nick about the itch he'd been feeling, about the low level panic settling in his gut.

“Cold feet?” Nick asked, peering unwaveringly into Niall's eyes, his vision glassy but steady.

“I'm simple,” he responded, shrugging and losing his balance for a second before righting himself. “Predictable. Not the type to get cold feet.”

Nick didn't respond, sipping his beer and staring at Niall as if waiting for more. When Niall looked up, catching the man's gaze, he felt something shake loose under the stare, felt something uncoil.

“You're not simple, are you?” He asked, words slightly slurred. “Bet you're not predictable at all.”

Nick's lips curled up into a smile then and Niall watched the movement closely, feeling the alcohol settle heavily into his brain.

“No, love,” he answered, his smile turning to something like a shared secret. “No, I'm not predictable.”

The rest of the night got lost in a hazy blur, beer and whiskey taking the place of Niall's memories.

~~

And that's why a week before Niall is to be wed to his beautiful, lovely fiancée, he wakes up in a practical stranger's bed, wearing only a pair of pants and stinking of alcohol-infused sweat.

“Fuck,” he mumbles, his voice gravelly as he tries to sit up, then decides better of it. He doesn't get hangovers often and he still doesn't have the headache most people get, but he feels sore all over, his muscles like jelly.

He turns his head, seeing Nick's bare back, the rise and fall of each sleeping breath he takes, and he tries to recount the events of the night before. His memories get fuzzy later in the night but there's no way- no matter how much alcohol he consumed- there's no way they had sex. There's no fucking way he fucked a bloke a week before his wedding. He can't have.

With a great deal of exertion, he reaches down to his jeans on the floor next to the bed and pulls his phone out of the pocket. Before he even notes the time, he sees the texts and missed calls from his fiancée, asking where on earth he is.

“Fuck,” he groans again, drawing the word out pitifully this time. He brings a hand up to wipe at his face, feeling grimy and completely out of sorts.

“Morning to you, too,” he hears from the other side of the bed, the words muffled against the pillow.

Niall drops his phone on his bare chest, staring up at the ceiling. He doesn't remember the flat from last night, but it's nice, comfortable and neat. It makes Niall feel more at ease somehow, even in his panic.

“Morning,” he says, steeling himself for the question. “So, last night. We didn't, uh, like-”

Nick lets out a single tired laugh, interrupting him. “Fuck? Come on, you could barely even stand. Would've been a miracle if you managed that.”

Niall lets out a heavy, relieved breath and turns to watch as Nick rolls over, facing him. He remembers a flash of something, distorted in his mind: the back seat of a cab and Nick's laughter, maybe even his own.

“Good,” he says with a nod, his fingers trembling. “Yeah, good. Just waking up in your bed mostly naked, y'know.”

Nick smiles and even with the dark circles around his eyes, it lights his face up. “We were just hot,” he answers reassuringly. “Gets bloody tropical in here at night.”

Niall nods his understanding. He needs a shower. He needs to get home. He should text his fiancée, but he leaves his phone on his chest, looking at the ceiling again.

“We didn't kiss or anything either, right? Fuck, I never black out like that.” He doesn't, hasn't since he was sixteen.

Nick hesitates a moment, long enough for Niall to close his eyes in nervous anticipation, before he finally answers. “No, we didn't kiss,” he says softly, and Niall doesn't look at him. “Why do you think we would have?” He asks it like he knows the answer, like he's trying to draw something out of Niall, like a therapist asking how something makes their patient feel.

It's a good question, honestly. Niall isn't exactly closed-minded but he's never really been attracted to a bloke before. He never would have thought it before, that he fooled around with a guy in his drunkenness, but everything's been so strange lately. He's supposed to be predictable, but he hasn't felt that way the past couple of weeks.

“Don't know,” he finally answers, his gaze lost in the white of the ceiling. “Been a little off, thought I might've snapped and done something stupid.”

“Ouch,” Nick replies, but when Niall turns his head to apologise, Nick is smiling good-naturedly. “No, I understand. But listen, maybe it's okay to not be predictable all the time. Maybe it's okay to fuck up, make a mess once in a while. Might keep you from, you know, snapping.”

Niall wipes at his face again, sighing through his fingers. His phone starts to vibrate on his chest and he drops a hand onto it, turning toward Nick. He barely knows this person, knows almost nothing about him, and still feels a bit like he doesn't want to leave this flat and go home.

His feet might be colder than he thought.

“I think I may have already made a little bit of a mess,” he says, then heaves himself up with a grunt and answers his phone.

~~

Niall's tuxedo is too small. His tie is too tight and his clothes are too small and the constant itch under his skin is growing, making Niall's hands shake from his need to rip the bloody suit off of him.

His family is here and his fiancée is somewhere putting her dress on and Niall is staring at the door, thinking about the words of a virtual stranger the week before. The thing is, the mess he made, it wasn't much of a mess at all. He told his fiancée exactly what happened, minus the cold feet, told her that he and Nick went and got shitfaced and passed out at the bloke's flat. She gave a disapproving look, but it passed quickly and things went right back to normal, back to flowers and cake and ribbon colours.

And now it's possible that Niall is snapping.

It's not the wedding, really, so much as what happens after that. It's a lifetime of being predictable, something he never really thought he'd have a problem with until a month ago. But being faced with getting stuck in that role, he feels like he can't breathe.

He heads for the door, just to get some fresh air. His parents have been swarming all morning and they've finally gone to get ready themselves, his brother is busy with the baby, and he just wants a minute alone, just to think. He steps outside and it's beautiful, a surprisingly cloudless sky above him. To his left, he sees the white chairs set up on the lawn, waiting for their family and friends to fill them.

He tugs at his tie, cursing his brother for tying it so tightly, and hears a car pull up to his right. Glancing to the side, he sees Nick climbing out of the driver's seat and opening the boot, his sound equipment ready to be unloaded.

Niall jogs over to him, feeling his skin vibrate, his heart racing.

“Hey,” Nick greets when he sees him, looking him up and down with an impressed smile. “You clean up rather nice, don't you?”

Niall stares, lips parted, feeling something wild curl in his chest. Nick tilts his head, confused and waiting for him to say something. Niall hears voices in the distance behind him and he doesn't look.

“Want to help me make a mess?” He asks, his voice shaking a bit.

Nick doesn't move, surveying him closely for a long moment. His eyes dart past Niall's shoulder and he tugs his lip between his teeth quickly before releasing it. “I should probably try to stop you.”

Niall immediately shakes his head, knowing now. It was always going to come to this, he should have known that a month ago. “Don't. I don't want you to,” he answers, feeling like he's on the brink of something unknown, something he needs. “Just drive, yeah?”

He waits as Nick watches him for another moment before he finally smiles and closes the boot, then digs his keys out of his pocket.

“Where to?”

Niall smiles for what feels like the first time in weeks, a genuinely happy smile. “Surprise me,” he answers, winking. “Feel like being spontaneous.”

Nick laughs out loud at that and Niall is aware that he should feel guilty, should feel fucking awful for what he's doing, but he mostly feels giddy.

As they drive away, it feels as though his anxiety is being left in the dust, like the itch is finally soothed.

~~

Their destination isn't all that thrilling, but Niall realises five minutes into the drive that he needs to get out of his tux as soon as possible. He knows going to his flat isn't an option. His fiancée isn't likely to be there anytime soon, but he can't walk in there now. Not after what he just did.

Instead, they go to Nick's flat. Oddly, Niall finds it to be more inviting than his own and he sighs as he walks in behind Nick, still struggling to get his tie off.

“Whoa, hold on,” Nick says once he's locked the door, hurrying over to stand in front of Niall, bringing his hands up to pull Niall's away. “This is a rental, right? They don't really appreciate when you mangle their clothes.”

Niall doesn't care in the moment, but he lets Nick carefully untie the material anyway, dropping his gaze to Nick's chest as he works.

“Once we get you into some more comfortable clothes, what's the plan?” He asks quietly, loosening the tie and slipping it off of Niall's neck. “A bit early to get pissed, but I'm sure we could manage.”

Niall laughs as Nick winks, dropping the tie onto his small kitchen table behind him.

“I don't know,” he answers, strangely breathless. “Fuck, I don't- I don't have a plan.”

That was the whole point, really, to not stick to the plan for once, but now it leaves him feeling a hint of fear. He's got a completely blank slate now and while that does leave him open to exciting new opportunities, it also leaves him with absolutely no direction.

“We'll figure it out,” Nick promises and somehow Niall believes him. “Come on, let's get you out of that.”

Niall follows him into the bedroom, the one he recognises from a week ago, and he accepts the clothes Nick hands to him. In the bathroom, he changes into the black skinny jeans that are too long, pooling at his ankles, and a plain black t-shirt. It's not something he'd normally wear, not something his fiancée would like, but he turns around in front of the mirror and decides he doesn't look half bad.

The thought is confirmed when he walks out into the living room and Nick mutters, “fuck, you look _hot_ ,” almost as if he didn't mean to say it out loud at all.

“Yeah?” Niall asks, looking down, then up at Nick again, eyebrows lifted.

Nick coughs, his eyes flicking over Niall's frame before he answers. “Definitely. If you weren't straight, I'd fuck you for sure.”

Niall laughs at that, his cheeks flushing a bit at the compliment. “Thanks,” he says, not wanting to dwell on it. “So, this is asking too much, I know, but do you mind if I stay here tonight? It's just-”

“Of course,” Nick interrupts, scrunching his face up. “Of course you can stay, I thought that was implied.”

Niall bites down on his lip, shifting from foot to foot as he processes Nick's complete willingness to take him in. “You don't even know me,” he says softly, almost in disbelief. It's a strange day all around. “We don't even know each other. This is mad.”

Nick's smile is as easy and bright as always and he stands, stepping up in front of Niall. He's tall, really tall, and even at arms' length Niall has to tilt his head up to look at him.

“So we'll get to know each other,” he says with a shrug, unworried. “Besides, I thought you were looking for a bit of madness.”

Niall stares, unable to deny that he's quite fascinated with this lad. He was when they first met, he was when they got pissed together that night, when they woke up together the next morning, now. There's something about his presence, confident and cool and unapologetic. It draws Niall in, makes him want to be around the lad more and more. He's never had a friend like that, ever.

“Fuck,” he mumbles, dropping his gaze. “Fuck, oh god, I just ran out on my wedding. _Shit._ ”

Before he can panic, he's drawn into a hug, Nick's arms curling around his waist and pulling him flush against the taller lad. It's immediately comforting, the embrace strong and sturdy.

“Do you- do we need to go back? There's probably still time. You could say you forgot something at home.”

Niall instinctively wraps his own arms around Nick's shoulders, leaning into the man as he thinks for a second. He could, he absolutely could do that. There's still a half hour before the ceremony is set to begin; he could probably make it back in time. He could, but he doesn't want to.

“No,” he says decisively. “No, I can't get married. I know that much.”

Nick's hand runs up Niall's spine, the touch slow and gentle through his t-shirt. Niall buries his face in Nick's shoulder, casting aside the reminder that pops into his head that they're virtual strangers. It doesn't matter. He's here and he's helping and Niall isn't going to refuse the comfort.

“What do you need, then, love?” Nick asks softly, his hand continuing to rub Niall's back lightly.

Niall closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. “I need to call her,” he says, the thought making him feel sick, but knowing that he has to do it. “I need to explain.”

He may be the world's biggest shit for leaving, but he can't let her think it has anything to do with her. He can't let her question herself when it's all Niall, all his fear and panic and doubt. It's the life that he doesn't want, it's not her.

Nick tells him to use his bedroom for privacy and Niall thanks him, the words not enough for the generosity Nick's shown. He'll have to figure out some other way to thank him. But for now, he walks into the bedroom and closes the door behind him, pulling his phone out of the back pocket of Nick's jeans.

With shaky fingers, he skips past the messages from his dad and brother asking where he is, going straight to his ex-fiancée's name. With a cringe, he taps the number and brings his phone to his ear, bracing himself.

~~

By midnight, Niall has consumed a great deal of whiskey and is lying on Nick's living room floor, spread out like a starfish, listening to the lad talk. His stories are fascinating and Niall hasn't once had an inclination to interrupt him, just laughing at the funny bits. And since Nick is such a good storyteller, he finds himself laughing more often than not.

The phone call had gone better than he could have expected. She cried but she didn't scream at him, probably trying to keep it together or just too stunned by the turn of events. She's known him long enough to know that this is out of character for him.

It was still awful, though, and that's when Nick had offered to run down to the liquor store so they could have an evening in. Niall could cry if he wanted, or yell and scream. But Niall's not crying or yelling. Niall is caught up in Nick's stories, pleasantly drunk and smiling along as he forgets about his own life for the time being, wanting to learn about Nick's. It's far more interesting, far more exciting.

“Have you ever had a wee off the roof of a building?” Nick's voice asks, the lad slipping down off the couch to join him on the floor.

Niall curls up as he laughs, shaking his head breathlessly.

“You should try it,” Nick says, and when Niall looks over at him, he sees light in his eyes. “At my work, there's a staircase that leads to the roof and we're not _technically_ supposed to go up there, but my coworker and I went up after closing one night. We had a case of beer and, a few in, I suddenly had to wee. So I walked to the edge, up to the railing, and I pulled my willy out, stuck it through the metal bars, and let go. Looked like a fountain of piss, even heard the splash as it hit the pavement below.”

Niall is gripping his sides, laughing so hard it hurts as he pictures it, Nick holding his dick through the bars of a railing. He wonders if he checked for people before he did it, laughs even harder when he imagines him accidentally pissing on some poor pedestrian's head.

“Think it's something everyone should do once in their life, piss off a roof,” Nick concludes, smiling as Niall's laughter fades, as he catches his breath.

“I should make a bucket list,” Niall replies, rolling onto his side. Nick is sitting with his back against the couch, fingertips tracing shapes over the wood floor. “Actually, _you_ should make me a bucket list.”

Nick grins at that, hesitating a moment before clumsily getting to his feet and scurrying across the room. He comes back with a small pad of paper and a byro, dropping down in his previous position and tucking his bottom lip between his teeth as he starts writing.

“Piss off a roof,” he says slowly as he writes out the words.

Niall starts laughing again, watching as Nick taps the bottom of the pen against his lips, thinking.

“Oh!” Nick says, his eyes lighting up as he starts writing again. Niall waits patiently until he's finished writing, then finally reads it aloud. “Pick a random direction and drive until you hit the sea,” he says, then lifts his gaze to meet Niall's. “No maps, no plans,” he adds, pointing the pen at him as if it's a warning.

He thinks again, then shrugs, lifting the pen. “Threesome, obviously,” he says, but before he can write it, Niall sits up suddenly, waving Nick off.

“Nope, no threesome,” he says, shaking his head, his vision swirling for a second.

“Why not?”

“Crowds make me nervous,” he replies simply, the answer seeming completely rational in his mind.

It must be funny, though, because Nick barks out a laugh, dropping the paper and pen in his fits of giggles. Niall just smiles, watching him, not worried about whether Nick is laughing _at_ him or _with_ him. The fact that he made him laugh at all is enough to boost his mood.

“You're cute,” Nick laughs out, shaking his head as he gathers himself, picking up the paper and pen again. “Okay, so no threesome then.”

Niall feels his cheeks growing hot, but blames it on the whiskey as Nick moves onto the next thing for his bucket list.

~~

An hour later, Niall reads over the list, his head resting on the couch as he sits next to Nick.

_1\. Piss off a roof_  
 _2\. Pick a random direction and drive until you hit the sea_  
 _3\. Kiss a stranger_  
 _4\. Crowd surf_  
 _5\. Skinny dip at night_  
 _6\. Karaoke (Actual, proper karaoke)_  
 _7\. Get a tattoo_

“Not sure about the tattoo, mate,” Niall says warily. “What would I even get?”

“A shamrock, obviously,” Nick answers, then takes a sip of water from the glass he'd brought in, encouraging Niall to drink so he doesn't get a hangover like last time. “Or an Irish flag maybe. When did you even move here, by the way?”

Niall picks up the glass of water and takes a sip himself, earning a pleased smile from Nick. “I was sixteen. My dad was offered a promotion if he moved, so that was that.” He trails a fingertip over the rim of the glass in his hands, staring at the wall across from them as he thinks about it. “I was furious at first, of course, didn't want to leave my friends. But then I met Sara and suddenly I was thanking them for moving.”

“Sara as in your fiancée?” Nick asks, shocked.

Niall turns his head to meet Nick's gaze, quirking his mouth up tightly. “Ex now, but yeah, her.”

Nick's expression drops and he hesitates like he might say something, maybe apologise, but he seems to think better of it and Niall is grateful. “Just can't imagine, like, getting married to someone I met when I was sixteen.”

“Technically I was seventeen. We moved just before my birthday and I met her a couple of months after that, so yeah. Seventeen.”

“Still,” Nick breathes out, shaking his head. “That's, like. Forever. Like, _actually_ forever.”

That might have been one of Niall's biggest problems, actually. He's only really been with one person and he was about to promise to keep it that way for the rest of his life. The thought is intimidating and, although Niall had thought he didn't mind, maybe he did.

“Well, not anymore, so no worries.” He attempts a smile, but it's easier to smile when they're not talking about it. Nick has been great at distracting him from the events of the day, he's been fantastic at keeping Niall in fits of laughter, but he supposes he can't ignore it forever. He might still try, though.

“Want to go to bed, love?” Nick asks softly, knocking their elbows together.

“Oh, I can just kip on the sofa,” Niall answers, not wanting to get in the lad's way any more than he already has. Nick's been far more generous than anyone else would have been in this situation. He's not even sure his parents would have taken him in after what he did.

“This sofa is the single most uncomfortable sofa in the world to sleep on,” Nick says, reaching over his shoulder to pat the cushion behind him. “Believe me, I've tried. Could barely walk the next day. Just share the bed. It worked okay last time, yeah?”

Niall thinks about insisting on taking the sofa anyway, bad back or not, but it's been a fucking crazy day and he's still a little drunk and Nick's bed was really comfortable, he remembers. It's selfish but he really does just want to go to bed and fall asleep, preferably for a few days.

“I won't try anything,” Nick says quietly, interrupting Niall's thoughts, “if that's what you're worried about. I'm not that kind of bloke, in case you thought I might be.”

The look on Nick's face makes Niall's heart sink a tiny bit because it's obvious Nick is actually worried about that. He actually thinks Niall might think that about him.

“No, god, Nick,” he says, reaching out to grab Nick's arm, turning to face him fully. “That didn't even cross my mind, I swear.”

Nick waves casually, like it's not big deal, but Niall can see a hint of vulnerability under the facade and it just makes him more fascinating. “It's just that I know you know I'm gay and I didn't want you to think I took you in so I could get some, you know?”

Niall frowns because yes, he knew pretty much the moment he met Nick that he was gay, but he never actually thought that. Even when he woke up mostly naked in bed with him, having forgotten most of the night before, he didn't think Nick did anything. He was more worried that he had done something himself.

“If I thought that, I probably wouldn't be here at all,” Niall says softly, squeezing Nick's arm. “Like, if I thought you were the type to do something without asking?” He laughs suddenly, breathy and low, at that thought. He may not actually know Nick, but he knows without a doubt that he's not like that. “Besides, I'm not a total dickhead. I know that you being gay doesn't necessarily mean you want me. I'm not one of those blokes.”

Nick smiles, but there's something in it that Niall can't figure out, something well-hidden in his expression. He stares, trying to decipher it, but it only gets harder and harder to see.

When he gives up, he leans forward and presses a light kiss to Nick's cheek, his way of telling him not to worry about that, then stands up, holding out his hand. “Alright, you win. Let's go to bed.”

Nick rolls his eyes before taking his hand, hoisting himself up. In the bedroom, Niall suddenly remembers Nick saying how hot it gets at night and he wasn't lying. It's not unbearable, but walking into the room there is a noticeable difference in temperature.

As he peels off his clothes, he makes a note to fix the radiator in exchange for the kindness Nick has shown him.

~~

The next day, he makes the calls he needs to make, canceling the honeymoon he's supposed to be leaving for the next day, facing his parents, apologising. He texts his best mate, Harry, explaining what's happened, but also mentioning that he doesn't want to talk about it. He asks him to tell the other lads, their little group of friends from secondary school, saying that they should all get together soon, but not yet. Harry sends back loads of sad emojis, question marks, and exclamation points.

Nick gives him space, letting him take over the bedroom for a good chunk of the day, but when he's finally done, he shuffles out of the room, feeling physically beaten down. Hearing his mum cry and knowing it was his fault, hearing his dad sigh his disappointment about a dozen times, he feels like the world's biggest shit.

“Everything okay?” Nick asks, looking up from his spot on the sofa where he's watching Nigella.

Niall shrugs and flops down onto the other end of the sofa, tucking his legs up. He has no right to wallow, but he's not sure what he _does_ have the right to do.

Nick frowns over at him, seeming to sense his mood, but doesn't say anything else. A couple of minutes later, as Niall is watching the telly, Nick pulls at his ankles, tugging his feet into his lap. Niall doesn't look up until he feels his feet being gently massaged, long fingers squeezing in all the right spots, slowly rubbing and kneading.

“You don't have to-” Niall starts, even though nothing has ever felt as good as what he's feeling right now.

“Shush,” Nick interrupts, dismissing him without looking away from the telly. “I'm trying to watch Nigella bake a lemon drizzle cake, keep it down.”

Niall bites down on his lip as Nick's thumb grazes over his ankle, swooping back and forth over the skin before he goes back to the massage.

He doesn't say another word, just closes his eyes and gets lost in the feeling.

~~

“Just so you know, I do have to go to work tomorrow afternoon,” Nick says that night once they've gotten in bed. They spent the whole evening watching telly except for the hour or so when Niall insisted on cooking them dinner, wanting to do something for Nick.

“Oh, that's fine,” Niall says, burrowing into his pillow contentedly. It's still sweltering in the room, just a thin sheet covering them. “I can get out of here while you're gone. Go to Starbucks or whatever.”

“No, I didn't mean- you don't have to leave,” Nick clarifies quickly. “I have a spare key I can give you if you want to go out, but I don't care if you're here while I'm gone. Just wanted to give you a heads up.”

It's so bizarre. Nick is bizarre, his complete willingness to let a stranger into his life like this, to open his bloody home to someone he just met. Niall would never have done that. He never even would have accepted the offer before, but being around Nick has made him see things a bit differently. After all, he knew his now-ex for five years and he still let her down. Maybe it doesn't matter how long you know a person. You're always vulnerable to getting hurt, so you may as well not worry too much about it.

“I could be a thief,” he says, kicking his leg out to bump his toes into Nick's ankle. “This could all be an elaborate scheme to get you out of the flat so I can steal all of your shit.”

Nick laughs, sleepy and rough, and knocks his foot against Niall's responsively. “Terrible thief, you are. I've barely got any shit to steal.”

Niall shrugs, letting it drop as he stretches his back, yawning quietly. “Seriously, just say the word if you want me to go to a hotel or whatever. It's not a problem.”

“Shut up,” Nick replies. “I like having you here, 's fun.”

Niall smiles into his pillow, but doesn't respond. It _is_ a bit fun, especially when he considers the alternative: moping in a hotel room alone. He'd much rather be here. He'd rather be with Nick.

~~

The next day Nick goes to work at 4 and, after he's left, Niall thinks about the fact that he would be in the air now if he'd gotten married, on his way to Barbados for a romantic getaway. Instead, he's single for the first time in his adult life and he's got a week off of work with nothing to do.

He knows he has to stay busy, keep his mind off of it, but he's not sure what to do. He does go to Starbucks, just to get out of Nick's flat for a bit, but he comes back after a half hour, pops in the first disc of Mad Men, and lies down on the sofa. Nick wasn't lying; it's not at all comfortable to lie down on.

Just after ten, when Nick is supposed to get out of work, Niall gets a text from him. It's an address, along with “ _come now_ ” and Niall curiously types the address into the map app on his phone. And it's not like he has anything better to do, so he turns off the telly, grabs a jacket, and heads out.

When he gets to his destination, it's a small shop and the lights are all off inside. He looks around, growing a little concerned as he stands on the pavement in the dark. Just as he goes to text Nick to ask him what the fuck is going on, the lad appears, opening the door of the closed shop.

“Sorry, ran to the loo for a second,” he says, ushering Niall into the dark shop. “Have you been here long?”

It's hard to see with the lights off, but Niall sees shelves filled with seemingly random items to his left and racks of clothes to his right. It looks like a thrift shop of some sort, which immediately makes sense. Nick would love that, probably even picked up some of the décor in his flat here.

“Not long,” he answers, turning to Nick. His eyes seem to catch the little bit of light in the space, shining back at Niall.

“Good,” he says with a little nod, then tugs at Niall's elbow, leading him toward the back of the shop.

Niall doesn't ask where they're going or what they're doing, just follows the taller man as he approaches a door. Past it, Niall is led into a dimly lit stairwell and halfway up the first flight of stairs, he stops, realising what this is.

“Oh my god, you're gonna make me piss off a roof.”

Nick stops and turns around, two steps above Niall, grinning brightly. “Well, no, I'm not going to _make_ you do anything. I'm just giving you a roof to piss off of, should you so choose to.”

The list had been a laugh and the meaning behind it _had_ been completely sincere; he wants to start living a bit, doing things that are stupid or wild, just for the fun of it. He wants to change things up, wants some excitement. A bit of madness.

But did he actually think that he'd do anything on that list? He was drunk and maybe in the moment he'd thought he would, but he thinks a lot of things when he's drunk that don't turn into anything the next morning. And yet, here he is, on a shadowy staircase, about to cross one of the items off the list. He wonders if that means he'll actually cross them _all_ off, if Nick will help him.

“You coming or no?” Nick asks, his grin softening but still there in the corners of his eyes.

Niall moves onto the next step, craning his neck to look up at the lad one step above him. “Yeah, okay, let's do it,” he says, deciding.

No better time than the present, he figures. Time to live a little.

~~

There's a case of beer waiting on the roof that Nick had obviously brought up earlier. He pulls a small portable speaker out of his jacket pocket and plugs in his ipod, Kanye playing softly as they settle in against the railing.

An hour later, Niall still doesn't feel the need to wee, but he's having a good time anyway. He talks a little about himself, his job selling life insurance and how it was never what he wanted to do, but he hadn't wanted to go to uni, so he was lucky to get the job. He talks about his family, his parents and his brother and nephew, his life back in Ireland. He talks some, but mostly he listens.

Listening to Nick hasn't gotten old yet. Niall gets the feeling that it won't, that he could tell the same stories over and over and Niall would still hang on every word. He stares now, a half smile playing at his lips, watching Nick's expressions change with every word, every sentence he speaks. He's fascinating, is the thing, and Niall is a little intimidated by it.

“Drink faster,” Nick urges after telling the story of when he started working at the thrift shop, how he'd wanted to DJ full-time, but there weren't enough gigs to support him.

He'd been listening too closely to worry about drinking, so he nods and takes a long pull from the can, finishing it up. “Can I ask you a question?” He asks, feeling buzzed now, but his bladder is still being stubborn. “Like, tell me if it's rude or annoying or whatever?”

Nick laughs, quick and bright, dropping his head back to look at the dark sky. “Oh god, this'll be good,” he says, and Niall can see from his profile that he's smiling. “Go on then.”

“No, it's just, you're gay,” Niall says, trying to put his thoughts together into something cohesive and failing thus far.

“Not a question, is it?” Nick replies, tipping his head to the side to look at Niall, his eyebrows raised curiously.

“Right,” Niall says, nodding his head to himself. “But I guess I just want to know, like, was it always blokes for you? Was it easy?”

Nick stares for a long moment, long enough for Niall's skin to heat up with embarrassment. He's not sure why he's asking, why it matters. He's just curious, he supposes. He's never been close enough with someone to ask, never had a real gay friend.

He's about to regret asking, about to apologise for prying when Nick finally answers.

“Want to hear my whole big gay story?” He doesn't look upset or annoyed at all, just smiling a softer smile than before, sincere and patient.

Niall nods before he can force himself not to, so he figures why the hell not. “Yeah, if you don't mind?”

“Not at all,” Nick answers, lightly scratching his fingernails against his knee. “The thing is, it's fairly boring as far as big gay stories go. It was never a surprise, not to me or my family. I did have sex with a girl in secondary school, just to sort of test things out, but yeah, it was definitely blokes in the end.”

Niall nods along, deciding that since Nick is talking to him about it, he's allowed to ask questions. “So, with the girl, like, you couldn't- like-” He stumbles over his words, not sure what he even wants to say.

“What, finish?” Nick asks, clearly amused. “No, I did. We fucked and I came and- well, not sure if she came, honestly, but it was good, successful sex. It wasn't like my dick fell off when I put it in her, y'know? I just didn't feel that- that intense kind of attraction? It was just nice.”

Niall frowns, thinking about it. He knows people lie about their sexualities all the time, but he always figured a gay guy wouldn't enjoy having sex with a girl. That's sort of the point, isn't it? “I didn't know you could like fucking a girl,” he says, still thinking.

“Well, there aren't rules,” Nick says through a puff of laughter. “It's not all black and white. People try to make it like that so it's easier to understand, but it's just not. Like, if you got a blowjob from a bloke, for example. I mean, man or woman, it would feel good, right? And you would come. But it's not like that means anything. It's not like coming in a bloke's mouth automatically makes you something other than straight. And the same with when I fucked a girl. Didn't mean I was anything other than gay just because I got off on it.”

Niall can't keep up, too many things being brought up. He's not even that drunk, but his mind feels fuzzy as he tries to process it all, Nick talking animatedly over the music playing from his ipod next to them. Niall bites down on his lip, feeling on the edge of something, his cheeks flushing when he realises-

“Oh, fuck, I have to piss,” he says, shaking himself out of the fuzzy thoughts in his head and scrambling to his feet.

Nick laughs at the sudden change of topic, but doesn't comment on it. He stands, too, and Niall is acutely aware of his presence as he unzips his jeans and pulls his dick out. He's not looking at that, Niall knows, but he's looking over the edge when Niall nestles himself against the bars and starts weeing through them over the alley below.

He doesn't really care, though, because he's actually pissing off the roof of a building. It's fucking stupid and silly, not like it's some great achievement, but it sort of feels like it in a weird way. It feels important _because_ it's stupid, because it's absolutely ridiculous.

“Watch out for that car,” Nick says, nodding toward the car not too far away from where Niall's piss is hitting the pavement. “Don't wee all over some poor sod's car.”

Niall laughs to himself as the stream dries up, watches where it cuts off in the air and falls to the ground like a ribbon. He quickly shakes his dick and tucks it back into his pants, zipping his jeans up.

“So, what do you think? Fun, right?”

It's so fucking _stupid_ and so _pointless_ , something he probably could have lived without doing. But now that he's done it, he's glad he did, glad he'll be able to say in forty years that he once had a wee off a roof.

“Amazing,” he agrees, turning to Nick with a smile and feeling grateful, in a way. “So, what's next?”

Nick laughs brightly and goes to punch Niall's shoulder playfully, but Niall reaches for his arm, pulling him in instead. He steps up, sliding his arms around Nick's neck, sighing into his shoulder when he feels Nick's arms wrap around his waist. He's always been a hugger, Niall has, and Nick is great to hug, tall and warm and comforting.

Niall doesn't pull away for a few minutes, doesn't think or worry or plan. He just holds onto Nick and breathes, letting himself feel happy for the moment.

~~

When they get back to the flat, Nick finds the list, crosses off the first item on it and attaches it to the refrigerator with a smiley face magnet.

“One down,” he says, ruffling Niall's hair.

Niall stares at the list while Nick goes to take a shower. He knew that walking out on his wedding would mean a big change in his life. He'd been with her for so long and not having that would certainly mean a life change, Niall knew that. But this feels like a second chance, sort of, like he's starting over and doing it the way he _wants_ to do it, not the way he's _expected_ to do it.

He feels like there's something missing from the list, though, and stares at it until Nick comes out of the bathroom in a towel, skin still wet. There might be something missing.

He finally gives up on trying to figure it out and goes to take his own shower.

~~

Two nights later, Niall is in a bar that is much bigger and more crowded than he'd like. It's not just the people bumping into him on all sides that makes him feel anxious, his muscles seizing up a bit, but it's the stage set up at the back, lit by spotlights, a microphone standing in the center.

_Karaoke (Actual, proper karaoke)_

When Nick had brought it up, Niall had tried to argue that him singing Irish folk songs with his friends in a pub back home counted. Nick did not agree, insisting that it be “actual, proper” karaoke, with a stage and lights and Niall belting Beyonce, preferably.

“Grimmy!” a voice shrieks close to Niall's ear and, when he turns, he sees a woman with bright orange hair pushing past people to jump into Nick's arms.

 _Grimmy?_ Niall mouths when he catches Nick's eye over her shoulder, curious about the nickname. He assumes it's a play on his last name, but he had no idea people knew him by that.

Nick just rolls his eyes and shakes his head a little, then pulls himself out of the woman's arms, brings his hands up to cup her face, and kisses her square on the lips.

“Missed you, my dearest,” he says, grinning as he wipes cherry red lipstick off of his lips.

“ _You_ missed _me_?” She replies indignantly. “You've dropped off the face of the bloody earth lately, Grim, where've you been?”

“Busy with work and all that,” he answers distractedly, reaching past Aimee for Niall's hand. Niall gives it to him, letting Nick pull him closer, settling against his side. “This is my new mate Niall, by the way.”

Niall smiles easily, waving at the woman in front of him, but she doesn't smile back. Instead, she narrows her eyes, looking him up and down as if he's a show dog and she's judging him.

“New boyfriend?” She asks, her gaze still steely and distant.

Niall chews on the corner of his lip, letting Nick answer since he's honestly quite a bit intimidated by her.

“Don't suppose I'd introduce him as my mate if he was my boyfriend, would I?” He replies, casually bringing his arm up and throwing it over Niall's shoulder.

Aimee doesn't seem appeased, her mouth twisting as she considers Niall. “But you're fucking him?” The question is for Nick even though her eyes don't leave Niall's.

Niall can feel his skin heating up quickly, his anxiety starting to multiply between the crowded bar and this interaction. It's not that he's afraid of her, he's sure she's lovely and harmless and trying to be a good friend, but the whole thing makes him feel itchy.

“We're not fucking, Aimee, _god,_ ” Nick answers, laughing a bit. The sound puts Niall at ease a little bit and he focuses on that. “Would you be nice to the poor bloke? He's just run out on his wedding and he's- oh.” Nick stops suddenly, turning to Niall. “Shit, am I not supposed to tell people that?”

Niall shrugs because, of everything happening right now, that's the least of his concerns. “Why not? 'S true.” He just hopes this Aimee woman doesn't punch him in the dick for it, even if he is overdue for a swift punch to the dick.

“Okay, well, he's just left his fiancée and he doesn't need you badgering him about our non-existent sex life.”

Niall winces, waiting for the dick-punching, but luckily, the woman softens, shaking off the hard exterior. “Oh, sorry to hear that, love,” she says, frowning sympathetically. “Well, best thing to do, get very, very drunk. Tequila okay?”

Niall opens his mouth to answer, but she's gone in a flash, the orange of her hair streaking through the crowd toward the bar. Niall stands there, his mouth gaping around the words he never got out, before Nick leans down to speak into his ear.

“You'll love her, trust me.”

Niall doesn't actually doubt it.

~~

Two hours later, he's decided that he does love her. She has the same spirit as Nick, that air about her that she's living in the moment, enjoying today. Plus, she's almost as funny as Nick, witty and sharp, and really quite cheerful when she's not being a protective best friend.

There are more people, though, and Niall is a bit intimidated as they keep showing up. He's introduced to everyone, but he's had a few drinks now and he can't quite match names with faces. He and Nick are tucked up in the corner of a big booth overflowing with people, so he turns to whisper into Nick's ear.

“Who's the one with the short hair again? The shortish one?”

Nick follows his eyeline and finds the girl he's talking about, then dips his chin down to respond. “That's Pixie. Like a pixie haircut.”

“Oh, that'll be easy to remember,” Niall says, repeating it in his head a few times in hopes that it sticks. “And the tall thin one? Next to her?”

“Alexa,” Nick murmurs back, lifting his arm around Niall's shoulders, drawing him in. “You know, there won't be a quiz or anything.”

Niall shrugs, settling happily against Nick's side. He's glad they've gotten comfortable enough with each other to do a bit of cuddling. “Just want to try to remember for next time. Want them to like me.”

Nick doesn't answer for a moment, but Niall feels his fingers mindlessly rubbing over his arm where it's slung around him. “Next time, hmm? Sticking around then?”

Niall frowns against Nick's shoulder, then lifts his head to look him in the eyes. “Aren't I?”

It's something they haven't really talked about, Niall's place in Nick's life, in his flat. When Niall had stayed there the night of his wedding, he'd thought it would be a night or two tops. But he's been there a few days now and neither of them has mentioned it.

“I already told you, mate,” Nick says softly, his gaze flicking over Niall's face. “I like having you around. Just figured you'd get sick of me and go back to your old life at some point. Like this is a little holiday away from your life, you know?”

Niall frowns again, looking at the man who invited him into his home, who's never made him feel bad about what he did, who's helping him put his life together, the one he wants to be living. He looks and he wants to give him something, but he's not sure what he has to give.

Instead, he shifts a bit in his seat, as much as he can without jostling the bloke next to him on the other side, and slides his arms around Nick, burying his face in his neck. Nick's arm stays around his shoulders, squeezing him close, his other hand settling at Niall's side.

“It's not a holiday,” he insists, the words muffled against Nick's neck. He hopes he can hear it over the loud music and the chatter. “I don't want to go back to my old life. I want to make a new one.”

Nick's face tips down, lips falling somewhere over Niall's ear. “With me in it?”

Niall laughs into his neck, squeezing him. “Of course with you in it. I mean, at this point you're pretty much the center of it.”

Nick doesn't laugh, doesn't respond at all, sliding his fingers lightly over Niall's side. Niall can feel his breath steady against his ear and he sighs, having missed this kind of thing. Just a person to hold, someone to hold him.

“Oi, boys,” he hears loudly from across the table. “Get a bloody room, would ya?”

The voice belongs to Aimee and Niall moves away from Nick in a snap, holding his hands up where she can see them. “Nothing going on, please don't kill me,” he says quickly, smiling when she laughs instead of staring him down.

“Not this time, love,” she says kindly, turning back to the bloke next to her who seems to be her boyfriend.

Niall and Nick share a smile, but before they can say anything, Niall's name is being called over the speakers.

“Oh, fuck,” he mumbles, remembering why they're here.

Nick grins brightly, nodding. “'Oh, fuck' is right. Get on up there, go on.”

Niall looks around, trapped in the corner of the booth. People start moving to let him out, but he stops them, slipping down under the table and crawling out from under it instead. He gets applause from the group for it, for some reason, and he blushes, giving Nick one last smile before turning toward the stage.

He wishes he was drunker.

~~

As much as Nick had tried, Niall had refused to sing Beyonce. He's fairly sure he doesn't have the range for it. In the end, he'd settled on “Baby” by Justin Bieber, which Nick had seemed pleased with anyway.

He's sung in front of people before, even whipping his guitar out to do impromptu performances for his family or his mates over the years. Now, though, he's on a stage and there are lights on him and he can feel everyone in the room watching. Or, maybe not everyone, but lots of them anyway.

It's supposed to be fun, though, not like it's an audition or anything, so he relaxes and smiles as the music starts and he starts _oh_ -ing along with it. He hears a few whoops from the crowd when they realise what song it is and he thinks they probably think it's supposed to be ironic. In all honesty, he just likes it.

He gets through the song, doing his best to make it entertaining with hip shimmies and dramatic hand movements, then jogs off stage, finding Nick standing by the wall, halfway between the stage and the booth they'd been sitting at. He grins at Niall and scoops him up in a hug, lifting him off the ground and twirling him around.

“You're a bloody good singer,” he squawks loudly. “That's not fair at all.”

Niall laughs brightly, an energy pumping through his veins. The thrill of performing, he supposes.

When they separate, Nick offers to go get them more drinks and, as he walks away, Niall leans back against the wall, watching him go. He can still feel the energy, the rapid beat of his heart and the lightness that makes it impossible for him to stop smiling.

Aimee walks over to him then, smirking around the rim of her glass. She leans one shoulder against the wall next to him, peering into his eyes. “You know, it's okay if you two are fucking,” she says plainly. “I just don't like him getting hurt so I get a little defensive.”

Niall smiles at her, admiring her no-bullshit way of handling things. He can see why Nick adores her. “We're really not fucking, I promise,” he says easily. “He's just, like, probably the most amazing person I've met.”

It's the truth. Nick isn't just funny and interesting, he's also really, really kind and generous and- _warm_. He's warm and comforting and Niall just feels at ease with him. He thinks that's probably why he doesn't actually want to leave Nick's flat, to find his own place like he knows he has to. It already feels sort of like home.

“He's pretty amazing,” Aimee agrees, smiling knowingly. “Well, sex or no sex, just look out for him, yeah? I know you've got your own stuff going on, but make sure our Grimmy doesn't get hurt.”

Niall isn't sure what he's meant to do, but he nods anyway. He doesn't want Nick getting hurt any more than Aimee does, he knows that much. He's just not certain what he can do to make sure it doesn't happen.

Before she can say anything else on the matter, Nick comes back with two drinks, handing one to Niall. He holds his own up as if to toast, so Niall follows suit.

“To making a new life,” he says, eyes twinkling.

Niall grins his agreement and clinks Nick's glass, then brings his own to his lips.

He's doing pretty well so far, at least.

~~

The next couple of days are fairly standard. Nick goes to work in the afternoon and gets home that night. Niall fixes the radiator in Nick's bedroom to the best of his ability and cooks for him. He does the laundry, feeling guilty that he's been wearing Nick's clothes. He should probably go back to his flat soon to get his stuff, knows he has to, but he's delaying the inevitable.

On Friday, Niall wakes up to Nick kneeling over him on the bed, gently shaking him. Nick usually sleeps later than Niall so it's not at all a common occurrence.

“Whassat?” He slurs, wiping his eyes.

“Wake up and get dressed. We're leaving in ten minutes.”

Niall sits up, squinting at Nick in confusion. He's not awake enough to process it, trying to remember if they'd made plans. He knows Nick isn't working today, but he doesn't remember anything else being suggested.

“What?” He asks, his voice gravelly with sleep.

Nick rolls his eyes, smiling, and hops out of the bed. “Up! Dressed! Hurry!”

Niall watches as he leaves the room and grumbles to himself as he gets out of bed. He hopes this is good.

~~

When they hop into Nick's car in the carpark, Niall waits expectantly to be told where exactly they're going. He was just told to dress in layers, then a paper coffee cup was pushed into his hands before he was dragged out of the flat.

Nick starts the car and backs out of his spot, driving to the exit. Before pulling out onto the road, he turns to Niall. “Okay, right or left?”

Niall stares at him like he's lost his mind for a long moment before he realises. “The sea,” he mumbles, understanding where they're going.

“The sea,” Nick confirms with a nod of his head. “And you make the decisions. Whenever you want me to turn, just tell me. Now, right or left?”

Niall stares in disbelief at the excitement in Nick's eyes. He really is unlike anyone Niall has ever known.

“Left,” he says, having no idea which way left is, where it will lead them. It feels mad, but he knows that's the whole point.

“Left it is,” Nick replies cheerfully, pulling onto the road and heading off.

Niall is fairly sure they're going to end up in Scotland. But, as he looks out the window, the morning sun shining on his face, he's not entirely sure he minds the thought.

~~

They end up on the eastern coastline, which Niall only knows from the position of the sun and road signs; Nick has refused to let him open a map on his phone since they left. The beach isn't much, more rocks than sand, but it's beautiful nonetheless. The sound of the water lapping at the shore is peaceful and steady, almost hypnotising.

They sit in silence for a long while, staring out at the sea side by side. There's no one around since they're not on a real beach, just a little inlet that they had to climb down to. In fact, they're probably trespassing.

Finally, Nick breaks the silence. “Do you miss her?”

“My ex?” Niall asks, turning toward him. When Nick nods, Niall shrugs, running his fingers through the coarse sand between them, thinking. “Would you think I was a terrible person if I said no?”

Nick smiles, not one of his signature grins, but something quieter, more private. “Of course not, idiot.”

Niall laughs softly at that, then sighs, looking back toward the water. “I miss her sometimes, for a minute or two. But it always passes.” He shakes his head to himself, cringing. “That's awful. I should miss her more.”

“Might show you made the right decision, yeah?” Nick suggests.

Niall nods. He already knows he made the right decision but it's true. If he's ever going to marry someone, it should probably be someone he misses when they're gone. “Definitely made the right decision.”

They fall back into silence for a few minutes and Niall lies back, propping himself up on his elbows, eyes closed. He feels good in a way he never knew was possible. Even with all the shit he still has to worry about, he feels free and energised and happy, like this was how he was meant to feel all along and never realised it.

He drops his head back, the brightness of the sky filtering through his eyelids to make everything orange. “Do miss getting laid regularly,” he mutters, partly to himself. “Guess I'll have to get used to my hand.” He laughs softly as he says it, thinking that it's been five years since he's had to rely solely on wanking to get off.

The splash of water hitting rocks is the only sound Niall hears for another minute until Nick finally speaks.

“I could suck you off,” he says quietly, easily.

Niall keeps his eyes closed, even as his heart starts to beat faster at the words, the thought of it.

“Could be a thing for your list,” Nick continues, a smile in his voice. “Getting a blowjob in public.”

Niall isn't sure what to do or say, so he finally peels his eyes open, squinting up at Nick to see him looking back with his eyebrows raised in a question. “Is that- do you _want_ to?”

Nick rolls his eyes, smile still lighting up his face. “Wouldn't offer if I didn't,” he answers. “I quite like sucking cock, so it's up to you, whether you'd like it or not.”

Niall remains still even as his heart beats harder, faster in his chest. He's sure he'd like it, can't imagine there'd be anything not to like, and like Nick had said that night on the roof, it's not like getting a blowjob from a bloke would change anything about him.

Niall's not too worried about that anyway. Mostly he doesn't want to fuck things up between the two of them because things are so fucking good with them. He doesn't want to risk losing that.

“Would it change anything with us?” He asks carefully, even though his dick is already starting to swell a bit in anticipation. “I don't want it to be awkward or-”

“Doesn't have to be awkward,” Nick answers, completely casual. “Just a little dick sucking between mates, that's all.”

Niall breathes out a laugh, shaking his head, mostly to try to clear it. It doesn't really work, though, his mind still a bit cloudy as he tries to think. “Okay,” he finally answers, his skin tingling with excitement and curiosity. “Yeah, okay.”

Nick almost seems surprised, brow lifting even higher, but he only hesitates a moment before shifting, turning toward Niall. He drops his hand to Niall's leg first, testing the waters, and Niall bites down on his lip, watching it move closer and closer to where his trousers are starting to tent.

“Promise you're not gonna freak out?” He asks just as his hand slides over Niall's dick, gently rubbing through the material.

Niall sucks in a breath, staring at the hand touching him. His legs fall open almost instinctively and he releases the breath shakily, too turned on to worry about anything else. “Promise,” he says, finally ripping his gaze up to meet Nick's. “Not in a bad way, at least.” He smiles, but it falls immediately when Nick squeezes lightly, gripping him.

“Good,” Nick replies, smirking as he moves his fingers to flick open the button, to pull the zip down.

Niall refocuses, watching as Nick pushes open his trousers, then peels back his pants. It hits him that he's outside, on a beach where probably anyone could walk by, and his dick is out. He can't think about it too long, though, because then Nick's long fingers are wrapping around his cock.

“Fuck,” he mumbles, watching as Nick strokes him to full hardness. Looking up, he sees Nick staring where he's wanking Niall, eyes a little glazed over. It sends a rush through Niall's veins, seeing the lad looking at him like that, _wanting_ him.

When he's hard and panting under the touch, Nick lets go and moves between his legs, kneeling over him. Niall looks up, his dick resting against his stomach and his trousers pushed down around his hips, his legs splayed open. He looks up at Nick and feels overwhelmed by how much he wants this, how badly he wants to feel Nick's mouth around him. He doesn't actually give a fuck that he's a bloke; it barely even registers in Niall's mind.

“Christ,” Nick mumbles, looking down for a quick moment before he lowers, settling between Niall's legs, and presses his lips just under the head of his cock.

Niall bites back a moan, his body jerking slightly when Nick's lips touch him. The older lad looks up, like he's checking that Niall still wants this, but his mouth is hovering right over his cock and all Niall can do is nod quickly, silently pleading for more.

With that signal, Nick holds him between his fingers and slips his lips down over the head, barely sucking. His tongue licks out as if to taste and Niall can feel his hands shaking with how good it already feels, how much more he wants.

Nick takes his time, though, and it's clear that he actually does like doing this. He lowers down slowly, letting Niall fill up his mouth, then pulls off completely to run his lips down the sides, licking out to get him wet. Niall's cock is throbbing and he's desperate for more, but he silently watches in awe as Nick licks out over the head, swiping over the dab of precome there.

Finally, Nick takes him in again and this time he sucks down, hollowing his cheeks as he lowers until Niall hits his throat. Humming with interest, he starts bobbing up and down, a slow, steady pace, his lips tight around Niall's cock, his mouth hot and _incredible_.

“God,” he croaks out, staring without blinking at where he's disappearing past Nick's lips. Nick's eyes dart up to him and Niall's dick twitches at that, at Nick looking up through long, dark lashes. “Fuck, yeah, look at me? Please?”

Nick's only answer is the brush of his fingers over Niall's hip, his gaze locked onto Niall's. It's intense and mad and Niall can hear voices in the distance, laughter echoing off the rocks from where people are probably enjoying a family day at the beach not far away. They could probably easily walk around the rocks separating them, could easily find Niall spread out on the sand, his cock in his mate's mouth.

He shudders, losing his breath when Nick lowers himself further than before, sliding down until his nose is pressed to Niall's stomach and the muscles of his throat are spasming around Niall's cock.

“Oh my god,” Niall gasps, a hand flying to Nick's hair and his eyes squeezing shut. He's never felt anything like it, never been inside someone's fucking _throat_ before.

His mind is gone in an instant, fingers tangled in Nick's hair without pulling or pushing, just needing something to hold onto. Nick moves a little, letting Niall feel the tightness of it, the wet slide, before he slips back, gasping around Niall's cock without even pulling off. He continues to suck, using his tongue when he needs to breathe around Niall, using his hand to stroke along the base until he pushes down again, taking the entire length.

Niall is shaking, biting his lip bloody as he tries not to scream, to beg, to cry. It's so good and Nick looks fucking amazing, his eyes bright with excitement, with want, even as they water against the pressure on his throat.

“Nick,” Niall mumbles, unable to take his eyes off of the lad, even as he races toward his peak. “Nick, fuck, _Nick._ ”

Nick pulls off in one quick motion, his hand immediately replacing his mouth. “Come on,” he encourages, voice rough and breathless. “That's it, come for me, yeah?”

He's back on in a flash, keeping his hand moving along Niall's length as he sucks at the head, tongue flicking over his slit like he's still encouraging him along, waiting for it.

Niall's fingers tighten in his hair, his jaw dropping as he feels it closing in on him, that hot, tingling feeling. “I am, I'm gonna-” he says, nodding, and moments later he's there, coming right across Nick's tongue.

It sweeps through him, feels like the waves crashing against the rocks, and Nick sucks him right through it, pulling every last drop from him. It leaves Niall feeling boneless, his skin raw and his mind wonderfully blank. He drops down flat on the sand, arms giving out underneath him, and he looks up at the sky as Nick finally pulls off, pressing a soft kiss to his hip before he pulls Niall's trousers back up.

Once Niall's flies are carefully done up, he lies there silently for a minute, too blissed out to think much. It's not until Nick speaks that the silence is broken.

“Well, I thought that was quite lovely,” he says, his tone light and airy over the scratchiness of his voice. “Fun day at the beach, yeah?”

Niall bursts into laughter, bringing his hands up to wipe at his face. “Not bad at all,” he agrees between giggles, turning to face Nick.

His lips are dark pink and the rims of his eyes are still a little red from when he'd choked. His cheeks are flushed and his hair is a bit of a mess from Niall's fingers, but otherwise he looks unaffected, smiling over at Niall like nothing's changed.

That was the whole point, Niall supposes. And he's certainly not going to argue.

“Your hair looks ridiculous,” he says, smirking. “Should see to that.”

Nick squawks indignantly, bringing his hands to his hair to comb through it. “You ruined my hair? Unacceptable, Horan, really.”

Niall giggles again, feeling weightless with how good he feels, relaxed and happy and warm. He watches as Nick fixes his hair, then turns to Niall with lifted eyebrows, waiting expectantly.

Niall smiles, lifting himself up with what little muscle power he has left, and reaches up to move a stray bit of hair into place. “There, perfect,” he says, nodding.

Nick looks pleased with that and Niall watches him, still a little bit in awe. He thinks he might always be, when he looks at Nick. Amazed that someone like him exists, that Niall managed to find him, that Nick has let him into his life so easily. He's in awe, he really is.

He reaches up quickly, digging his fingers into Nick's hair, and he shakes it out, ruining his perfect quiff. When he sees the murderous look in Nick's eyes, he jumps up, suddenly energised, and takes off. He barely makes it ten paces before he's being lifted off the ground and he's laughing loudly into the air as Nick swings him around, shouting about what a bully he is.

Niall laughs until he can't breathe and feels Nick's laughter against his neck, too, between his shouts.

It really has been a fun day at the beach.

~~

~~_1\. Piss off a roof_ ~~  
~~_2\. Pick a random direction and drive until you hit the sea_ ~~  
_3\. Kiss a stranger_  
 _4\. Crowd surf_  
 _5\. Skinny dip at night_  
 ~~_6\. Karaoke (Actual, proper karaoke)_ ~~  
_7\. Get a tattoo_  
 ~~_8\. Public blowjob_ ~~

Niall looks at the list, impressed with his progress so far. He knows it's silly, but the list feels important somehow, a goal he has to achieve. He's still stuck on the tattoo one, though, a little wary of what to do about that. It'll have to be something small, at least.

When Nick finishes up in the shower, Niall takes his turn, rinsing the leftover sand from his skin. He washes up, soapy hand stalling on his soft dick as he thinks about what happened on the beach. Now that his head's a little clearer, it's easier.

It was amazing, is the thing. He never had any complaints about his sex life with his ex, but he'd only really ever had sex with that one person. Before her, it was just a couple of clumsy teenage handjobs that were thrilling at the time, but in hindsight were kind of awful.

With Nick, it wasn't just about the technique that made it good, although it certainly wasn't lacking in that area. It's that being with Nick is always exciting and fun, so that translated in the blowjob. It was easy to get worked up, to get overwhelmed by it, energy coursing through him.

Lost in his thoughts, he looks down, realising he's stroking himself in slow little motions and his dick is starting to thicken up. With a sigh, he lets go and finishes rinsing himself off before jumping out of the shower.

When he gets dried off and walks into the bedroom, Nick is already in bed, spread out with his arm over his face, wearing just a pair of boxers.

Niall doesn't think, just speaks. “Hey, want me to get you off?”

Nick is still for a moment before he peels his arm away from his face, lifting his head curiously, a hint of disbelief in his expression. “Seriously? Do _you_ want to?”

Niall shrugs, moving to the dresser where Nick had made room for him to keep some pants. He's been borrowing Nick's clothes while he avoids going to his flat, but he felt weird borrowing his pants, so he'd gone out and bought some. He slides a pair up under his towel, then drops it when his pants are in place.

“Think I might,” he answers honestly. He's not sure how far to push this thing, but he's curious, feels excited by the thought of it.

Turning back to the bed, he sees Nick staring like he's looking for something, maybe doubt or fear, but Niall just kneels next to him, smiling.

“Not sure about sucking you off, but I could, like-” he says, then makes a crude gesture with his hand to finish his thought. “I do owe you anyway.”

Nick seems to consider him for a long moment and Niall waits patiently. He obviously doesn't want to do it if Nick isn't into it, but he'd thought he would be. He seemed to really enjoy the beach, at least.

“Okay,” he finally says, still tentatively. “But, like, if you want to stop, that's fine. Like, if you get your hand on my dick and realise you hate it, I won't be offended.”

Niall rolls his eyes because how bad can touching a dick be? He's touched his own plenty enough and never had a problem with it. Certainly it's not _that_ different.

He doesn't answer, just reaches down to trail his fingers over the material of Nick's boxers, feeling out his mostly soft cock underneath. Nick doesn't move an inch, seems frozen, and Niall glances up, keeping his touch light. When they lock eyes, Nick's lip is bitten and his brow is lifted, like he's still expecting Niall to run off.

“Tell me what to do if I'm not doing it right,” Niall says, smiling. “I want it to be good.”

He can feel that Nick is starting to swell under his touch and he slides his palm over the bulge until his fingers graze over his balls. Nick squirms a tiny bit at that, legs opening up wider.

“I'm sure it will be,” Nick answers tightly, both of them watching Niall's hand sweep over where the line of his cock is becoming more pronounced.

With a deep breath, Niall reaches down to tuck his fingers into the waistband of Nick's boxers. He pulls it down carefully, slipping them off his legs altogether with a little help from the lad, then turns his attention to Nick's dick.

It's long and pink, still not fully hard, but almost there. Niall stares for a second then shifts on the bed, lying down on his side, tucked up against Nick. He's not completely soft himself, not sure he has been since the shower, but he barely registers it.

Silently, he reaches down and grips him, keeping his fist loose at first as he gives a few experimental tugs. It's a little strange having another bloke's cock in his hand, but it's definitely not a bad kind of strange. It just feels new, different, and honestly, it's kind of _hot_.

“Do you use lube?” Niall asks softly, watching his hand work slowly over the length. “Or I could spit in my hand?”

“Fuck,” Nick mumbles above him. “Whatever you want. I've got lube or you could do the- the other thing?”

Niall smirks because it's obvious that Nick likes the idea of him using his own spit, so he lets go, bringing his hand in front of his mouth, and spits. The groan Nick releases when Niall puts his wet hand on him makes Niall's own cock twitch. Just knowing that he's making him feel good is enough to make this good for Niall.

“You sure you're okay with this?” Nick asks on an exhale as Niall smears the wetness all over, then starts wanking again, properly this time.

“Yeah, I like it,” Niall answers plainly. He does, actually, starts testing different speeds and angles out, seeing what makes Nick feel the best. “You're really big, by the way.”

Nick laughs breathlessly, the sound cut off by a moan when Niall circles his thumb over the head of his cock, slick with spit. He curses under his breath, hips twitching up before he forces them still, and Niall bites down on his own lip, mindlessly pressing his erection against Nick's hip.

“You're hard, oh my god,” Nick breathes out when he feels it, looking down, then back up to Niall's face. “Fuck, can I-” He stops himself, seems to be holding back, and Niall doesn't want that at all.

“Can you what?” He asks, flicking his wrist a bit and smiling as Nick's eyelids flutter for a split second.

“Wanna get you off, too,” he answers, eyes darting around like he's trying to figure out the mechanics of it, how to best work it out. “If you, like, knelt over me? Would that be okay?”

Niall had wanted to focus completely on making Nick come since this is sort of payback for the blowjob, but he's hard and Nick is asking, so he nods, letting go of Nick's dick and getting up to shuck his own pants off.

“Yeah, like this,” Nick murmurs, pulling Niall over him until his knees are bracketing his hips and their dicks are almost touching.

Niall gets his hand back on Nick as he settles down on the tops of his thighs, liking the view this angle gives him. It's easy to watch everything, Nick's face and his cock and the hand that slips down to wrap around _Niall's_ cock. He lets out a moan as Nick starts wanking him, enough precome dripping to let his hand slide smoothly over him.

“This okay?” Nick asks, looking up at him.

Niall nods, lips parted, forcing himself not to fuck forward into Nick's grip. “Really good, yeah.”

They bring each other off pretty quickly after that. Niall's head is spinning between the feeling of Nick's cock pulsing in his hand, hot and heavy, and the feeling of Nick's hand on _him_ , expertly stroking him closer and closer to the edge. Within a couple of minutes, Nick is squirming underneath him, unable to keep his eyes open for more than a second at a time.

“Close,” he says, his muscles tightening up and his head thrown back. “Little more.”

Niall doesn't stop, keeps his hand moving as steadily as possible, and he watches in awe as Nick comes, hips bucking up a little and jostling Niall on top of him. Niall pulls him through it, staring at the streams that shoot over his stomach, pooling on his skin.

Somehow Nick manages to keep his hand moving, just losing his rhythm for a minute before he's stroking with more focus again. Niall is close already, but when he's suddenly flipped over and Nick's mouth is on him, he practically shouts, back arching against the bed as his fingers tear at the sheets above his head.

“Oh fuck, oh god,” he murmurs thoughtlessly, his whole body buzzing as Nick swallows him down, sucking hard and fast.

It only takes a few seconds; Niall doesn't even have time to warn Nick before he's shooting into his mouth, shaking with it. The lack of warning doesn't seem to throw Nick off, the lad pulling back enough to swallow around him.

When he's finished, Nick slips off with a wet pop, then moves up next to Niall, flopping down with a heavy exhale. It takes a while for Niall to come back into his head, to catch his breath and regain feeling in his legs. When he finally feels like he can, he turns onto his side, looking at Nick with wide eyes.

“So, you really do like doing that, huh?”

Nick breathes out a short laugh and shrugs. “Wasn't lying,” he says through a lazy smirk. “Hope it's okay.”

It's Niall's turn to laugh, shaking his head to himself, then burying his face in his pillow. “Hey, anytime you feel the need,” he offers. “I'm glad to be of service.”

When Nick leaves the room to clean the spunk off his skin, Niall lets himself wonder if there actually will be more of this. He's never had a fuck buddy before, never even really saw the appeal, but he thinks it works in this new life. It fits.

He's half asleep when Nick gets back and a pair of pants are thrown at his head.

“Cover yourself up, you tart,” Nick says, then turns off the light and slips into bed.

Niall sleepily pushes the pants off of his head, mumbling, “make me.”

He falls asleep naked on top of the covers, too relaxed to care.

~~

The next day, Niall stops delaying the inevitable. Nick has a party to DJ that night and he's busy preparing for that, checking his playlists and making sure he has all of the equipment he needs, so it's a good time to get out of the flat or a bit, to let him work.

When he gets to own flat, the one he hasn't stepped foot in since the morning of his wedding, his ex lets him in and Niall has never felt more off-kilter. It's such a familiar space and hers is such a familiar face, and yet it all seems so foreign now, like he's seeing things from a different perspective. It's only been a week, but it feels like it's been a year.

As they sit in the living room, she doesn't offer him tea, doesn't smile. Niall ducks his head, waiting for the storm.

~~

When he walks back into Nick's flat two hours later, his arms are weighed down with hastily-packed bags, mostly filled with his clothes and toiletries, but some of his other things as well. There's more in the car, but he's not worried about that now.

“Hey,” Nick says, popping up from the sofa where he's been hunched over his laptop. “How'd it go?”

His voice is gentle and caring and he takes a bag from Niall's shoulder, setting it to the side, and Niall shakes his head. “Shit,” he says, feeling beaten down.

Nick frowns as Niall drops the rest of the bags. “Come here, sit down,” he says, pulling Niall to the sofa. “Do you want anything? Water? Whiskey?” He smiles a bit and Niall tries to return it, but he can't quite manage.

“No, nothing, thanks,” he says, looking back at his bags by the door. “Fuck, I just showed up with- I swear to god I'll help with the rent, groceries, whatever. I-”

“Stop,” Nick interrupts, softly but firmly. “I told you, I like having you here. Now talk to me, tell me- if you want to, tell me what happened.”

Niall shakes his head to himself, then digs his hands into his hair, tugging at the roots. “I'm such a fucking dick, you know?” He drops his head back, squeezing his eyes shut. “God, she was in her fucking dress. She was in her dress when I called her and I- why didn't I call things off earlier, when I starting freaking out?” He turns to Nick as if he has an answer, as if he'll be able to fix everything. “I should've ended it after that night with you, when I woke up here. I should've known then.”

Nick frowns sympathetically and reaches out to smooth Niall's hair, fingers gently running through it. “You're not a dick, love. You fucked up a little in waiting, maybe, but you can't beat yourself up like this. It was for the best in the end.”

“No, I can,” Niall says, sitting forward on the sofa, Nick's hand falling away from his head. “I can beat myself up because what I did was fucking terrible.” He shakes his head, turning to look at Nick. “Five years, you know? Five years and she was in her dress and she's so hurt. She's heartbroken and I-” He stops, searching Nick's eyes for a moment. “I've been having the best time of my _life_ this past week,” he says, voice dropping almost to a whisper.

He drops his head into his hands, finally feeling the guilt crash over him. “How fucked up is that?” He whispers to himself.

The couch dips as Nick scoots closer and pulls Niall into his chest, arms wrapping around him. “You don't have to be miserable because you made one mistake, babe.”

It wasn't even a mistake, though, Niall thinks. It was thoughtless and hurtful and he can't let himself off the hook like this.

“No, I do,” he says, pulling away from Nick and standing up. “For a little while, at least, I have to feel fucking awful for doing that to her. It's only fair.”

Nick looks up, lips parting like he wants to say something else, but he doesn't. Finally, he nods, standing up, too, and stepping closer. “Okay,” he says softly. “If that's what you need, okay. Do you want me to come lie down with you or-”

“No,” Niall answers decisively. “No, I think I should be alone for a while? If that's okay, I mean.”

Nick's face falls a little bit and he takes a step back, but he nods quickly, replacing the momentary crestfallen look with an understanding smile. “Of course, yeah, take all the time you need.”

Niall feels a new twist of guilt in his stomach, not wanting Nick to misunderstand. He closes the distance between them, wrapping his arms around Nick's neck and hugging him tightly. The older lad sighs softly, hugging him back.

“It's just that you make me too happy,” Niall murmurs into his shoulder. “I need to feel like shit and you're too good at making me feel good.”

Nick doesn't laugh, doesn't reply. He holds Niall for another moment, his hand rubbing slow circles over Niall's back, then he lets go, stepping away. “As soon as you want to feel good again, come find me,” he says with a small, sad smile, looking into Niall's eyes. “I kind of like doing it.”

Niall takes a shaky breath and nods, forcing himself to walk out of the room. As he lies down on Nick's bed, he lets himself think of his ex's tears and what she'd said right before he left, quiet and hurt.

_I hope you find someone who makes you happy._

~~

Aside from Nick popping his head in the door to say goodbye before leaving for his gig and reminding him that he can always text, Niall spends the day alone in bed. It's not until his stomach is grumbling at him that he finally leaves the room, padding into the kitchen. He stops in front of the refrigerator and looks at the list stuck to it with a smiley face magnet. Reading over the words he has memorised now, he stops when he reads the crossed-out _Public blowjob_ , written in a different coloured ink, having been added on once they'd gotten back from the beach.

Even after wallowing all day, he still can't bring himself to regret that. He probably should feel worse about it, getting off with someone else so soon after leaving his ex- the woman he was just a couple of hours away from _marrying_ \- but it's the one thing he doesn't feel guilty about. Besides, it's just a bit of fun, not like they're in love or even dating. It's just nice, with him, exciting and fun and _good_.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he retrieves it, checking the screen. When he sees Harry's name, he sighs, knowing he's avoided him for long enough.

“'Lo?” He answers, hopping up onto the kitchen counter.

“You massive- I've called you, like, six times!”

Niall cringes at the shrieking voice of his best friend, feeling bad that he hasn't called him back. He tells Harry everything, has ever since he moved here from Ireland, but he's needed distance from his old life and, unfortunately, Harry's a part of that. “Sorry, sorry, been really busy,” he says sheepishly. “How're you?”

He can hear Harry sigh, knows any anger he'd felt is dissipating. Harry's really bad at staying angry with anyone. “I'm fine, but like, I miss you? You just disappeared. What happened? Are you at your parents? Are you depressed?”

Niall laughs softly at his best friend's concern, stopping him from spiraling. “Wait, wait, one thing at a time. First of all, I'm not depressed. I'm also not at my parents. I've been staying with a friend.”

“A friend?” Harry asks, curiously. “I know all of your friends and you're not with any of them.”

Niall kicks his feet below him, wondering how to explain Nick without it all sounding really weird. Well, weirder than it is. “He's a new friend. He was supposed to be the DJ at the wedding. We started hanging out a little while ago.” It's a stretch of the truth, makes it sound like they've known each other longer than they have, but he doesn't want to Harry to freak out about it.

“Oh,” he says softly. “Well, you could've just stayed with me.”

“You're sleeping on someone's sofa, Harry,” Niall points out flatly. “I like cuddling, but that's a bit much.”

Harry huffs into the phone, but lets it drop. “As long as you're okay. Are you okay? What happened, really?”

Niall takes a deep breath and tells him all about it, from the anxiety a month ago to today, seeing her again. He tells him everything except for the thing with him and Nick because he doesn't even know what he'd say about that. He sticks to the other stuff, the stuff where he's a massive fuck-up.

When he's done, Harry sighs softly, thinking for a moment before speaking. “You know,” he says slowly, and Niall already knows he's going to come out with something deep and meaningful and so very _Harry_. “Maybe you needed to get to that day to know it wasn't what you wanted. Maybe you needed to be staring it in the face to realise that you couldn't go through with it. I think that's understandable.”

Niall chews on the corner of his thumbnail, vision gone unfocused. “Maybe,” he says quietly.

“Regardless, I think you need to remember that your happiness is important, too. You can't make yourself miserable to make other people happy. So it was the right choice, I think. You sound like you know that, though.”

Niall nods to himself because, through all of this, that's been the one thing he's sure of. “I do, yeah.”

“Good,” Harry chirps. “And when you're ready, the perfect girl will come along, you'll see. This is just a little twist in your path. It'll even out soon.”

Niall rolls his eyes to himself because Harry really does read too many of those inspirational self-help type books. Besides, he's not sure he wants a straight, even path anymore. He sort of likes the idea of curves and twists to keep him on his toes.

When they finally end the call, Niall promises to keep in touch, agreeing to a night out with the lads soon. They exchange _I love you_ 's before hanging up and Niall sits on the counter for a few minutes until he remembers his empty stomach.

He grabs a container of leftover lo mein and camps out on the couch, finishing the food while he watches the end of The Fast and the Furious, having caught it halfway through on the telly. When it's over, he moves his bags into the bedroom, once again wondering if- or when- he should start looking for his own place. It's not like he can't afford it. He's just been waiting for something, not that he knows what that something is.

He climbs into bed, exhausted even though he's done nothing for hours, and pulls out his phone. Finding Nick's name, he sends off a text: _going to sleep but wouldn't mind a cuddle when you get home_

He hits send, then hesitates, keeping the screen open. Twisting his lips, he thinks he has more to say and his fingers start moving to type another message: _thanks for not thinking i'm a dick. in fact thank you for a lot of things._

He studies the message, thumb hovering over the send button, before he shakes his head, deleting it. The words don't look big enough and Niall doesn't want Nick to think he's less grateful than he is. In reality, he's so grateful for everything he's done, every hug and smile and word, that it makes him short of breath.

He'll tell him a different way, maybe. He'll figure something out.

~~

He's woken when Nick slides into the bed some time later and he hums, still half-asleep, reaching back as Nick spoons him. He feels warm and comfortable against Niall's back, smells familiar, like the sheets he's been sleeping in, but stronger.

“Feeling better, love?” Nick asks, whispering, his lips almost touching Niall's neck.

Niall is caught somewhere between consciousness and a dream and he stretches his neck, wanting to feel them there. “Maybe,” he answers, sleepy and soft. “Guilty, but. Want to move on.”

His hand curls over Nick's hip behind him as Nick does kiss his neck and there's a vague thought there, buried beneath the haze of sleep, something like _what is going on with us?_ It's too far away, though, and Niall is too tired.

“Good. Don't like it when you're not happy,” Nick answers softly, lips pressing into kisses around the words. “It's not natural. You're meant to be all sunshiny.”

Niall starts to sigh and it turns into a yawn halfway through. “You make me sunshiny,” he mumbles. “All bright and hot.”

Nick breathes out a low laugh at that and Niall feels a hand curling around his waist, fingers petting over his bare stomach. “Hot, hmm?”

Niall doesn't have the energy to nod, too content between the lips against his neck and the hand on his stomach, so he grunts, hoping it sounds affirmative.

Nick laughs again, that same low, husky sound, his breath sending the slightest shiver down Niall's spine. “Go to sleep, love,” he whispers. “I'll try to make you feel hot tomorrow.”

Niall sort of wants to explain that it's not just hot that Nick makes him feel, that it's happy and comfortable and alive, too. It's so many things, but he's too tired and the words aren't there, so he hums again, falling asleep as Nick's fingers continue to pet his stomach, tracing soft shapes into his skin.

~~

On Monday he has to go back to work and, although he'd told Nick this hasn't been a holiday, it sort of has. Not in the way Nick had thought, but he's been off of work and in a new place, surrounded by new people, and Monday morning, he'll be back to part of his old life. He'll see his coworkers and he'll do the job he's done for two years and he can't help but feel a bit strange about it. He's not sure how to mesh the two worlds, if he can.

So, Monday morning when his alarm blares, he groans, leaning over to silence it, then crawls out of the comfort of Nick's bed, peeling Nick's arm off of him and chuckling when Nick releases a sleepy huff of indignation.

As he undresses to get into the shower, he notices a splotch of come on his shirt and wonders if it's his or Nick's. Shrugging, he tosses it to the floor and steps under the hot shower spray, thinking about the night before.

They'd gotten each other off, which Niall is starting to get used to now, but then he'd tried to kiss Nick. It was a quick little moment, Nick's hand stroking him between their bodies, and Niall had just leaned in, pressing his lips to Nick's. He was in the moment and it happened, but Nick had pulled away, apologising and explaining that he didn't think they should do that.

 _It's already complicated,_ he'd said kindly. _We need some sort of boundary._

Which is fine. It's not like Niall is heartbroken over the lack of kissing, but it is difficult to tell where the boundary lines are. The fact that he was turned down for a kiss by someone who was _actively wanking him_ was a definite first, for sure.

So, apparently kissing is over the line, but it leaves Niall wondering what else is. Nick had kissed his neck, so are neck kisses acceptable? Cuddling seems to be okay. Sex is okay. It makes Niall feel a little unsure, like he needs to watch his step.

When he leaves for work, Nick is just waking up, padding out into the hall with his hair a mess and his eyes squinting against the light. Niall hesitates by the door, fighting the thought in his head that Nick actually looks really cute like this. It's the first time he's thought something like that. Mostly he just thinks Nick is an amazing person and likes when they share orgasms.

“Have a good day at work, honey,” Nick says, his voice still rough, walking over and kissing Niall's forehead. “Be back for tea.”

He winks then, and disappears into the kitchen. As Niall leaves, he shakes his head, determined to forget all about it. They're friends. Who share orgasms. There's nothing else to think about.

He kicks a lamppost on the walk to his car, but he's _not_ thinking about it.

~~

As the week goes on, the uncertainty and frustration fades slowly. Part of it has to do with the fact that, four days of the five, they barely see each other. By the time Niall gets home, Nick is at work himself and doesn't get home until an hour or so before Niall goes to bed.

But it's also just hard to be anything but happy with Nick. He catches himself sometimes, though, questions it when he drops his head on Nick's lap or idly plays with his fingers. Nick just smiles, though, so Niall guesses those things aren't over the line.

By the weekend, Niall is itching to do something from the list again. His job is dead boring and it drags him down a little bit at a time. So, on Friday, Niall asks Nick where the good crowdsurfing action is. Nick, of course, grins and whips out his phone, set to the task.

They end up at a club where an up-and-coming band is playing, a few of Nick's mates already there when they arrive. Niall only knows Aimee so he smiles and kisses her cheeks in greeting, then waves at the others as Nick gets them drinks.

He's not really sure he believes that there will be any crowdsurfing happening and he gets more and more anxious about it. He honestly doesn't like crowds and he's not sure how he'll handle having a bunch of people touching him. Nick's learned about Niall's minor anxiety, though, and he rubs his back, soothing away some of the mounting fear.

“You don't have to, you know,” Nick says in his ear. “We could just go into the loo for a quickie, call that a bucket list thing.”

Niall shakes his head because that doesn't count. They've already done the sort of public blowjob. It needs to be something new. “I'll be okay,” he assures Nick, flashing him a quick smile. He will, he knows, but he's still relieved when Nick keeps rubbing his back.

To his surprise, almost moments after the music starts, bodies pop up above the crowd, skimming over people's hands. Niall has had two drinks, not nearly enough, but he nods to Nick. He wants to do it before he loses his nerve. Nick turns to Aimee's boyfriend, Ian, saying something Niall can't make out, then motioning for him to follow. Niall's not sure why the other bloke is coming, but he lets Nick lead him toward the crowd anyway, Ian behind them.

“Stay calm, okay? And try to keep flat and still,” he says, slinking his arm over Niall's shoulders as they walk. “And try not to kick anyone in the head. Always a bad idea, that is.”

They stop right at the edge of the mass of bodies and Niall isn't sure if his rapid heartbeat is excitement or fear or both. Probably both.

“And have fun,” Nick adds, grinning.

Niall nods, not sure what to do now. That's when he realises why Ian's come along, to give him a boost.

Nick gets the attention of a few people around them, motioning for them to put their arms up and Niall tries to ignore his shaking hands as Nick and Ian get into position. He thinks he might cry, actually, but before he can, he nods and steps onto Ian's clasped hands, letting Nick boost him up.

It happens in a blur. For a moment, it feels like Niall is just going to fall to the ground, but then he's being lifted and there are hands bloody _everywhere_ , but he's floating. He's fucking doing it, he's staying up. Niall can barely remember the tips Nick had given him, belatedly hopes he hasn't kicked anyone in the head because he's too busy enjoying it to think clearly. He feels high, sort of, almost euphoric.

It's over too quickly, and Niall is being passed off to a security guard who pulls him down and pushes him off to the side. It was enough, though, plenty enough, and he jogs back to the back of the room where he knows Nick is. He wants to- fuck, he wants to find Nick and snog him fucking senseless, wants to kiss him until they can't breathe. He knows he can't, though, and he stops suddenly, looking around and spotting a cute girl standing next to a couple that are snogging each other's faces off.

_Kiss a stranger_

Still high from crowdsurfing, he walks right up to her and asks, no pretense. “Can I kiss you?” He's likely to get slapped, but it's a risk he's willing to take right now.

The girl looks stunned, but after a moment of hesitation and a little glare at the couple next to her, she shrugs and answers, “alright.”

Niall grins and swoops in, pressing his lips to hers. He wastes no time in sneaking his tongue into her mouth, adrenaline pumping through his veins. That's two bucket list items in one night and Niall feels incredible as he snogs the girl.

A part of him wishes it was Nick's tongue slipping against his own, but this will have to do. Nick made it clear that there's no chance for kissing and maybe Niall is a little hurt by it but he's not sure why he should be. He still doesn't know what he wants from the lad, what exactly there is between them, so he can't be greedy.

As he pulls away from the girl to breathe, he grins at her flushed cheeks. He's not sure if the stranger needs to remain a stranger after the kiss, too, but he exchanges phone numbers with her anyway because it does seem quite rude to kiss someone without asking for their number. With one last quick kiss, he turns away and makes his way back to Nick.

“I kissed a stranger,” he says excitedly when he gets there, tucking into Nick's side where he's standing against a railing.

Nick's smile isn't his usual bright smile, but he kisses the side of Niall's head, squeezing an arm around Niall's shoulders. “I saw,” he replies, but doesn't elaborate.

The music is too loud to talk much, but he rests his head against Nick's arm for most of the night, keen on touching even if they can't kiss. They can still cuddle.

After an hour and a half, though, all of his adrenaline is gone and the band is still playing annoyingly loudly and they're actually kind of awful. So, he curls into Nick more so their fronts are pressed together, head still resting on the taller lad's shoulder, then slips a hand between them as inconspicuously as possible.

“I could try to suck you off,” he says, tipping his face up toward Nick's ear. “If you want, I mean. I could try it?” He's never done that because it's a big step from touching a dick to putting it in his mouth, but he's gotten well-acquainted enough with Nick's that he's not so scared of it. He rather likes it, actually. Plus, he did sneak a taste of come from his fingers once and it wasn't the _worst_ thing.

“You don't have to do that,” he answers, his voice wavering as Niall slides his fingers over the front of his jeans, rubbing his cock through the material. “Seriously, Niall, you don't have to do any of this.”

Niall frowns because he always feels like he's making it clear what he wants, but Nick always seems to back off like this. And if it's not what Nick wants, fine, but he should just say that if it's the case.

He stills his hand, pausing for a moment before he speaks again. “Let me put it this way. I want nothing more than to go home and put your dick in my mouth. It may be an awful blowjob, but I want to try. I _want_ to. So if you'd like to do that, we should go now. If not, that's fine and we'll stay and enjoy the rest of this band's set and hope our ears don't bleed in the process.” He leans back, smiling, but his smile falls when he sees Nick's brow furrowed thoughtfully. And not in the sexy thoughts kind of way.

He pulls his hand away from Nick's jeans completely, waiting.

“You could have anyone in here,” Nick says, shaking his head. “That girl you just snogged? She'd have a go with you in a second if you asked.” His eyes narrow, not threateningly, but like he's confused. “You could have your pick of any girl in here, so why me and my dick?”

Niall feels his lungs constricting, feels his heart pounding as he looks at him. He wishes he wasn't asking because Niall is so completely not ready to have this discussion. He wants it to stay easy, like it has been with Nick this whole time. He doesn't want complicated, thought that was the whole point.

“Don't ask me that,” he says, glancing away. “I mean, it doesn't matter, does it? Don't- I don't want to talk about it, I just want to go home and-” He pauses, taking a deep breath and gathering himself. “I'm gonna go to the loo. When I come back, we can go if you want or we can stay or whatever.”

He meets Nick's gaze for a moment before he turns, heading for the loo. As he walks away, his head clears a bit and he can think about it without panicking. He's not even sure why he had in the first place.

It's not the dick that scares Niall, it really isn't. It's definitely new and Niall's still getting used to it, fooling around with a bloke, but it's something else that Niall is afraid of facing. It's more the fact that it's _Nick_ and Nick is basically his favourite person already. He makes Niall feel young and like he doesn't ever know what he's doing, and yet he still makes Niall feel like a better version of himself.

He's intimidating. And maybe, yeah, with all of this new stuff happening, Niall feels a little out of control. It's a great feeling most of the time, but sometimes it gets to be too much. Like when he realises how fucking badly he wants Nick, maybe even wants more than Nick is willing to give.

Niall is really bad at the fuck buddy thing, he thinks.

When he gets back from the loo, Nick pushes away from the railing without a word, sliding his arm around Niall's waist and leading them toward the door. Niall doesn't even feel bad for not saying goodbye to everyone. He just tucks himself under Nick's shoulder and follows his lead.

~~

“You sure?”

Nick is stroking himself slowly as Niall kneels between his knees, watching, and it's the first thing Nick's said to him since the club.

“Positive,” he replies, knowing that it's true.

Nick exhales audibly and pulls his hand away, settling it by his side. “Go slow,” he says softly, the room seeming ridiculously quiet after the noisy club. “And don't push too deep. And try not to bite me,” he adds, giving Niall a small smile.

There's all this unspoken shit between them now and Niall wishes it wasn't there, but he's okay with ignoring it for now. They'll figure it out later. Right now, he wants to suck Nick's cock.

He licks it first, curiously. Then he mouths at the head. When he does slide it properly into his mouth, he's surprised by the stretch of his lips, how full his mouth is. It takes him a minute to adjust, to get used to the feeling.

But then he's closing his eyes and bobbing down and it's not bad or anything, but it's not the best either. It's not until Nick moans above him and Niall's eyes fly open, snapping up to look. It's not the best until he watches Nick fall apart, lip bitten and eyes rolling back. It's not the best until their eyes meet and Niall looks up with his mouth stretched open around _Nick's cock_ and he can _taste_ him and Nick is staring back with dark eyes full of want, maybe even need.

Then it's pretty much the best thing Niall's ever experienced.

He manages to take half of Nick's length, but he's afraid to try for more and Nick had said not to push it, so he doesn't. He brings his hand up to cover what his mouth can't, clumsily wanking him as he sucks, hoping it's enough to get him off. It seems to be because soon Nick is panting, fingers dug into the sheets.

“Pull off,” he warns, and Niall listens because he doesn't know what he's doing and he's glad to follow any direction Nick gives him.

He slides his lips over the side instead, mouthing just below the crown as his hand brings him off. It's only a few seconds before he's coming and Niall makes a split second decision, lifting his head to catching a bit of his spunk on his lips.

“Niall,” Nick whines when he squints open his eyes to see it, Niall's lips dripping with come as his hand slows down.

Niall kisses the sensitive head, wishing it wasn't already over, and he loves the way it makes Nick gasp, muscles jerking. He loves everything about this moment, everything except for the unspoken shit that's still annoyingly there.

Niall crawls up beside Nick then, licking his tongue out to swipe away the come on his bottom lip. It tastes like last time, when he'd secretly tasted Nick's come.

“Fuck,” Nick exhales, bringing his thumb up to wipe the rest of the come away from his lip, then his chin. Niall only meets Nick's gaze as he does it for a second before looking away. It's too close to the line they're not allowed to step over and Niall doesn't want to embarrass himself any more.

“So it wasn't bad? For my first time?” He's not stupid and he's not going to kid himself that it was a great blowjob, but Nick did seem pretty into it anyway.

“Incredible,” Nick answers, hesitating for a moment. “For a straight boy, you suck dick remarkably well.”

The statement lingers in the air as Niall rests his head against Nick's shoulder, not sure what he's supposed to say to that. He doesn't know what Nick wants him to say, doesn't even know what he wants to say himself. So, he lets it be, lying silently with Nick, the taste of come on his tongue.

They don't fall asleep for a long while, but Nick runs his fingers through Niall's hair, and it's still the best he's felt in a long time.

~~

When he gets a text from the girl from the club a couple of days later, he's got Nick's cock in his mouth and his cock in Nick's mouth. He reads it after they've finished and deletes it quickly. He kissed a stranger, he crossed the item off the list. There's no reason to text her back.

~~

On Thursday night, Nick drags Niall out of the flat without telling him where they're going. It's late, almost ten, and Niall has to work in the morning. But he also doesn't want to let his boring job get in the way of him having fun, so he goes willingly, getting in Nick's car and waiting to see what this is all about.

When they pull up to a quiet house outside of the city in a posh neighbourhood, Niall quirks an eyebrow, turning to Nick. “Are we robbing houses now? Is that the next thing on the list?”

Nick grins and gets out of the car without answering, but when he pulls a key out to open the front door, Niall assumes they're not robbing the place. He still doesn't know what they're doing, though, and he steps inside carefully, looking around. It's dark inside and still silent and Niall follows him through the foyer and past the huge kitchen. He's led to a sliding glass door that opens onto a deck. And there's a huge pool.

“Feel like taking a dip?” Nick asks, smiling back at him.

_Skinny dip at night_

Niall gapes at him, looking around. The neighbouring houses aren't far away and the fence doesn't hide anything, but it is nighttime. The odds of anyone coming out and seeing are at least low.

“How did- whose house is this?”

“My mate, Henry,” Nick answers, walking over to the edge of the pool. He leans down to flip a switch and the pool lights up under the water. “He's in America for a few days and asked me to look after the place. Thought we could take advantage.”

“Is Henry a millionaire?” He asks, eyes wide. He'd thought all of Nick's friends were, like, hipsters with low-paying jobs and a “fuck the system” attitude. That was the impression he'd gotten, anyway.

“Haven't seen his bank statements recently,” Nick answers, amused. “But he's a fairly successful fashion designer, so he does okay for himself.”

Niall nods because that much is obvious.

“So?” Nick asks, gesturing to the pool. “In the mood for a swim?”

Niall definitely isn't going to waste the opportunity so he smiles and starts peeling off his clothes quickly. A minute later, he's swimming naked in a fancy pool, the sky dark and the water illuminated. It's an uncharacteristically warm night, so the water feels amazing on his skin.

Nick joins him moments later and they swim laps across the long length of the pool, splashing each other and doing flips. They swim silently for a while, just enjoying it, until Niall swims up to the edge, resting his elbows on the concrete.

“How did you even meet this guy?” He asks, lazily kicking his legs through the water.

Nick finishes swimming to the edge across from him before he answers. “Dated for a while. Long time ago.”

“Probably should've stayed with him,” Niall answers, even as he's realising that Nick's never told him about any of his ex-boyfriends. The only thing he knows about his past love life is that he had sex with a girl in secondary school and from then on only dated boys. He wonders what the rest of the story is, between then and now.

“Nah,” Nick answers quietly, swimming to another edge, to Niall's left. “I'm a better friend than a boyfriend.”

Niall can't really imagine that. Nick is funny and kind and all of the qualities that he would imagine make up a great boyfriend. He doesn't believe it, but he doesn't argue the point, letting the conversation end.

When Nick swims over to him, Niall pushes his legs up, wrapping them around Nick's waist. Nick floats closer, letting Niall pull him in, and their cocks slide up against one another in the water, pressed together between their bodies. Even soft, Niall shivers, slowly bucking his hips forward.

“Niall,” Nick says and it sounds like a warning, but then he reaches to grip onto the edge of the pool, letting out a heavy breath as Niall presses in again.

“Feels good,” Niall mumbles, breath hitching when Nick pushes him right up against the wall, moving his hips slowly against Niall's. “Christ, _yes._ ”

Nick doesn't stop and Niall can feel them both getting hard from the friction and it's so good that he can't believe it. Just having Nick's _dick_ rubbing against his, it feels like heaven, or at least what he has officially decided heaven should be.

“You're killing me, you know that?” Nick rasps, dropping his head to look down between them.

The lights are bright enough that when Niall looks, he can see it, their cocks slipping together between their bodies. He shudders, moving his hands up to grasp at Nick's wet shoulders, holding on as Nick fucks up against him.

“ _You're_ killing _me_ ,” he retorts, looking up into Nick's eyes. It's fucking mad how much Niall wants him, how he wants _more_ , wants to feel Nick everywhere.

Reaching up, he sinks his hands into Nick's wet hair, tugging him down until their foreheads rest together, rapid breath passing through the small space between their mouths. Niall wants to close the distance more than anything, but he settles for this, for being pressed up against Nick, his legs tight around the lad's waist and his hands gripping his hair.

“We shouldn't come in your friend's pool,” Niall says hoarsely, his voice mostly breath. “Not polite.”

Nick lowers one hand from the edge of the pool, sliding it down Niall's side and gripping his hip as he grinds against him. “Nothing about this is polite,” he answers, sounding as overwhelmed as Niall feels. “Want to go inside?”

Niall nods quickly, but when Nick backs away to get out, Niall whines at the loss of contact. He does want to go inside, though, so he grabs his dick and follows Nick out of the pool and into the house, leaving their clothes scattered on the deck. They can get them later; there's no time right now, not when he's hard and desperate.

Following Nick up a staircase, he's led into a bedroom. It looks like a spare since there aren't a lot of personal items in it, but that's all Niall thinks of that. He turns to Nick and drops his hand to his side, not sure what to do now.

“On the bed?” Nick asks.

Niall doesn't answer, just moves to lie down, spreading his legs when Nick kneels between them. His skin is still wet, sticking to the blanket, but he doesn't much care because Nick lowers over him and flicks his tongue out over Niall's nipple.

It's unexpected enough that he arches his back, releasing a low moan and practically shaking as Nick licks out again, takes it between his lips, nips his teeth over it. Niall's never been _that_ into having his nipples played with, but right now it's good enough to make his vision go blurry. He supposes that's mostly just Nick, though.

When Nick moves to the second one, Niall curls his hand around the back of the lad's head, whimpering and breathing harshly at the feeling. He's still so hard, still wants Nick _so much_ , and he speaks without really thinking.

“God, fuck me.” It comes out on a groan and Nick freezes, looking up.

“What did you say?” He asks, his voice raw and his eyes wide.

Niall takes a breath now that his nipples aren't being assaulted by Nick's talented mouth, then meets his gaze. “Fuck me,” he repeats softly, and _fuck_ , he means it. He's never thought about having a dick inside him before, never wanted it, but right now he does. It feels like the next step, one he hopes Nick is willing to take.

Then again, Nick won't even kiss him, so maybe he won't.

“You can't be serious,” Nick mutters. “Are you serious?”

“Why not? Come on, Nick, please,” he says softly, hopefully.

It's silent for a few seconds, Nick searching Niall's face, before he leans back, moving to sit at the edge of the bed and dropping his head into his hands. Niall deflates a bit as he watches the lad, waiting to be let down. Instead, after a long moment, Nick suddenly pushes himself up from the bed and leaves the room.

Niall gapes as he goes, wondering what he said that could be so bad that Nick would just up and leave. He's about to run after him when Nick walks back in, lube and a condom in hand, his jaw set. Niall barely has time to smile before Nick is crawling up over him and kissing him.

He practically sobs into Nick's lips, melting into the kiss that's been such a long time coming. He's wanted it so badly and it doesn't disappoint, Nick's lips heavy against his own, soft but not gentle as they smash into Niall's like maybe he's wanted it as badly as Niall has.

“This is a mistake,” Nick mumbles into the kiss, teeth nipping gently against Niall's lips before slipping his tongue past them.

Niall whines, swiping his own tongue against Nick's and forgetting the words completely because nothing matters except for this. Nick's stubble burns against his cheeks and it's new and mad, but it feels incredible, too. Niall's never felt anything like it, like this feeling of safety under Nick's body. He thinks he might love it.

“Fuck me,” Niall says again, the words muffled against Nick's mouth. “Do it, please.”

Nick groans and loses contact with Niall's mouth, his head falling against the crook of Niall's neck. He breathes out heavily there for a second before sucking down on the skin and Niall lets out an embarrassing moan at how good it feels. He's leaking all over himself now, a little worried that he'll come before they can even get going.

Nick fumbles off to the side, grabbing the bottle of lube with his mouth still on Niall's neck. “I'll go slow,” he says, his voice rough and low. “Just tell me if it hurts. Tell me if you want to stop and I will.”

Niall nods because it's not like he wouldn't anyway. He has no idea what to expect, trusting that it must feel good since people do it all the time, but he has no frame of reference. “I will, I'll tell you,” he breathes out, clinging to Nick's shoulders. “Kiss me again?”

Nick lifts up and there's a moment where they lock eyes, a moment where Niall sees all sorts of things exposed on Nick's face that he's never shown before. It's like there are cracks and it's seeping through, desire and want and fear, maybe even regret. Niall can't parse it out, can't tell what any of it means, but then Nick's lips are on his again and it doesn't matter anymore.

When a wet finger touches him mid-kiss, Niall shudders, a bit surprised even though he'd known he was going to be touched there. It's still fucking bizarre feeling the gentle touch, Nick's fingertip soothing over his hole. It's weird and makes Niall shiver but it's also somehow oddly comforting, like a promise.

It pushes inside slowly and Niall's mouth goes slack against Nick's, his head dropping back. His brain can't even come up with a word for how it feels, his mind turning to static as Nick carefully presses inside.

When it's buried to the knuckle, Nick leans down, whispering into Niall's ear. “Keep going or no?”

Niall nods before he can manage to spit the words out, “keep going.” And Nick does, fucking his finger in slowly, giving Niall time to adjust.

It takes longer than he'd thought for Nick to loosen him up. He'd known vaguely that this was part of the process, but he didn't really realise how intensive it would be. He'd always thought a few jabs would do it and then right into the sex. But feeling Nick's second and third fingers fit inside him, he understands why it's taking so long. He feels stretched to the limit already, just from Nick's fingers. And Niall knows his cock well enough by now to know how much bigger that is.

“We don't have to do this,” Nick mumbles into Niall's ear with three fingers slowly fucking into him. His other fingers are playing with Niall's hair, combing through it gently. “We _shouldn't_ do this.”

Niall squeezes his eyes shut, his lungs working for every breath he takes, and he digs his nails into Nick's back. “Please,” he says, feeling tears prick his eyes. “Don't stop. I want to.”

Finally, _finally_ , Nick is pulling his fingers out to put a condom on and, if having fingers inside of him was weird, having them gone is somehow weirder. Niall wiggles his hips a little, surprised by how empty he feels, how much he wants to be filled up again.

Nick notices the wiggling and smiles for the first time in way too long. Niall stills, smiling back and waiting for Nick to get the condom rolled on, lubing himself up. He drops down then and kisses Niall, softer than before.

“You're cute,” he whispers.

Niall smiles, pressing another kiss to Nick's lips. “Sunshiny?”

“Exactly,” Nick answers, lining himself up at Niall's hole. “All sunshine, you are.”

Niall feels his skin flush at that, but then he feels the slick, blunt head of his cock pressing against his arse and he seizes up a bit, thinking that he's about to be fucked. By a man. With a dick. He's about to have sex with a bloke. It flashes in his brain like a warning, but Niall pushes the thought aside because, yeah, he _is_ about to have sex with a bloke and it's not as big of a deal as he would have thought it would be.

Maybe if it was a random guy, he might be panicking a bit more. But it's Nick. It's _Nick_ that Niall wants, not just any dick inside him.

“Have to relax,” Nick says, kissing the curve of Niall's jaw, then pauses. “You still want this?”

“I do, sorry, yeah,” Niall answers, forcing his muscles to relax.

Nick kisses him again, deep and slow, and that must be enough to get Niall to relax. Moments later, he's pushing inside and Niall fights to stay in the kiss, struggles not to clamp down.

“Oh, fuck,” he shudders out, his body trembling at the intrusion. It's not painful, just a bit uncomfortable, but mostly it's just new. He can feel the warmth of Nick's cock, hotter than his fingers, can feel the thickness of it pushing slowly, carefully inside.

His brain can't come up with words again, too overwhelmed by what's happening to figure out how exactly he feels about it. He's not even sure if he actually likes it yet, but he knows he wants it, doesn't want Nick to not be inside him.

Nick pushes himself up, hands propped by Niall's shoulders, and he looks down. His skin is flushed, lips pulled tight and eyelids fluttering even as he studies Niall. He looks like he's holding back while Niall tries to get used to the feeling.

“You're inside me,” Niall says, a little stupidly, still blown away by that fact. He can feel Nick's hips resting against his arse and he's so fucking full he feels like he might burst. “It's mad.”

Nick's lips part like he might say something, but he pulls his hips back slowly, just an inch or two, then pushes back in. Niall focuses on the friction as Nick starts thrusting slowly, gently. It's still so fucking bizarre, but with every thrust he melts into it more, leans more toward the really good kind of bizarre. The kind of bizarre that found him in Nick's life, the kind that brought them together. It feels a lot like the bucket list, like excitement and energy and possibility.

“Yeah,” he breathes out, reaching a hand up to cup the side of Nick's neck. “Yeah, fuck me.”

Nick looks into his eyes, must see all of the nervousness cracking and making way for the desperation he's feeling. He must see that Niall likes it because he doesn't ask, just starts fucking him for real, setting a pace.

“Never thought this would happen,” he chokes out, staring at Niall as his hips work rhythmically against his arse. “Never ever, god, never thought- fuck, you feel so good.” His words are shaky, stuttered, and his eyes close for a long second, his breath as choppy as his words.

He sits back then, resting on his knees, and pulls Niall down until they're pressed flush together. When he's settled into the position, he starts fucking him again, holding Niall's legs up over his shoulders. The slight change in angle makes it even better and, when Nick shifts, Niall lets out a loud, sudden moan. It's basically the best thing Niall's ever felt, something he never knew was even possible, something electric and warm spreading inside of him.

His cock, having gone a bit soft from the lack of attention, twitches back to life. Niall reaches down to touch, not ready to finish, but wanting to hold onto that feeling. As Nick continues to fuck him just like that, though, Niall starts to lose his mind a bit.

“Fuck,” he groans, drawing the word out for a few seconds. His ankles twist behind Nick's neck helplessly, trying to keep him even close, to lock him there. He doesn't actually want this to end, like, ever.

And somehow, even with everything he's experiencing in the moment, he knows why he doesn't want it to end. Apart from the fact that it's just fucking _good_ , he also knows that when it's over, things will have changed between them. He can see it in Nick's eyes and he's sure it's showing in his own, that they've shifted. Niall's not sure where they'll land when Nick pulls out.

And that's why he needs to enjoy this, needs to stay in the moment and not worry about after. Right now, Nick is fucking him so perfectly, hitting the spot that makes Niall feel a bit like an exploding firework. Right now Nick is moaning, whimpering, breathing out Niall's name.

“Kiss me,” Niall says, needing it one more time before they finish, just in case.

Nick lets go of Niall's legs and they fall to wrap around the older lad's waist as he drops down, kissing him fiercely. The angle isn't quite as good, but it's more than enough. It's still incredible and Niall still feels like he's going to come any second. He stops moving his hand on his cock, trying to hold off.

“Come on, babe,” Nick whispers into his lips when he feels Niall's hand stop. “Want you to come before me and I'm- I'm really close, so go ahead, yeah? Come for me.”

With regret and also relief, he starts moving his hand again, sparks shooting down his spine between Nick's cock fucking into him and his own hand wanking himself. He reaches up with his other hand to dig his fingers into Nick's hair, still damp from the pool.

It only takes another minute or so until he's panting against Nick's mouth, right on the edge. He tumbles over it, shuddering and jerking as he comes across his stomach, Nick fucking the orgasm out of him. It's strong and Niall actually loses his breath for a moment, his skin tingling all over as he finishes up, gasping to get oxygen.

Nick finishes seconds later, his face buried in Niall's neck, moaning as his hips stutter. If Niall had any strength left, he'd touch him or hold him, but all he can do is tilt his head against Nick's, nuzzling him.

They don't move for a moment once Nick's finished, just breathing harshly, pasted together with a thin layer of sweat. When Nick does move, it's to roll off, sliding next to Niall to let him breathe a little easier.

The change is already there because they're used to post-orgasm chatter, usually laugh and cuddle and it's normal. But now, they're silent. Niall isn't sure if it's a good silence or a bad one, or neither. It's just different.

Eventually, Niall falls asleep, his arse empty and sore and his mind cloudy.

~~

When he wakes up, it's still dark and it takes him a second to remember where he is. And then he remembers everything, the pool and the house and the sex. He had sex with Nick. Really good, _surprisingly_ good sex.

He also remembers that he has to work in the morning and he's at some random house in the suburbs, completely naked and disoriented. He looks for a clock, but doesn't see one, and in his search he realises that Nick isn't in the bed. With a groan, he gets up, feeling the ache in his bum throb a bit. It's not enough to really _hurt_ , just enough to make him remember it with each step, how Nick had felt inside him.

Downstairs, he goes straight to the back door, needing to get his clothes and his phone to check the time. When he walks out onto the deck, he finds Nick, fully dressed, sitting by the edge of the pool.

“Hey,” he says, looking up when Niall walks out. “Sorry, I was gonna bring your stuff up in a minute.”

Niall shrugs and walks over to the pile of clothes, shivering in the cool night air. “I've got it,” he answers softly, not wanting to disturb the neighbours. He gets his clothes on first to warm up, then pulls out his phone. It's just past three and Niall sighs tiredly, already not looking forward to a full day of work. “I'll need to go home before work,” he says, turning toward Nick. “Need a shower and clothes and stuff.”

Nick scrambles to his feet quickly. “Yeah, we can go right now if you'd like? Just need to throw the cover on the pool and we can head off.”

Niall doesn't answer as Nick busies himself covering up the pool. He watches in the dark, wishing he didn't feel different. He wishes things could be just like they have been, that tonight could have been just another way to fool around, another way to get off. He wishes they were laughing right now, neighbours be damned.

He's not sure what did them in, if it was just the sex or the kissing or both. He thinks it was probably both, honestly, maybe understands now why Nick had suggested that they shouldn't kiss. Because that kiss wasn't a fun kiss between friends; there was so much more to it, things Niall doesn't even understand yet.

“There we go,” Nick says as he gets the cover fully in place. Niall can tell he's nervous, or at least not nearly as confident as he usually appears. “Shall we go then?”

He goes to lead the way back inside, but Niall stops him, grabbing his arm. It's the same night, so he thinks technically it should be allowed, and he steps up to the lad, slowly pushing his hands up over his shoulders.

“Niall,” Nick says, almost pained. “Stop. Let's just- let's go home.”

Niall tries to ignore the way his chest aches at that, stilling his hands on Nick's shoulders. “Yeah, okay,” he answers, nodding. “Just wanted you to know, like, it was really good. And thank you, I guess.”

He looks away, starts to pull his hands down, but Nick steps into him closer, tilting his head down and kissing Niall. It's nothing like the heated snog from earlier; this kiss is soft and gentle and short. Nick pulls away from it far too soon, only meeting Niall's gaze for a second before looking away.

“I'm glad it was good,” he says, hesitating. After a few seconds, he sighs, stepping back. “Let's just go home.”

It's not until they're in the car, driving along in silence, that Niall wonders how long he's been calling Nick's flat _home_.

~~

The next day, Niall struggles through work all day and Nick has a DJing gig that evening. They manage to miss each other in passing and when Niall collapses on the couch in the empty flat, he tries to blame the worries creeping up in his mind on his lack of sleep. He tries, but he fails, so he pulls out his laptop and starts regretfully searching for available flats.

He knew it had to happen eventually and all of the signs are pointing to the fact that they've arrived at the moment, when Niall has officially overstayed his welcome.

An half hour into his search, he makes his way into the kitchen to grab a beer and he stops in front of the fridge.

~~_1\. Piss off a roof_ ~~  
~~_2\. Pick a random direction and drive until you hit the sea_ ~~  
~~_3\. Kiss a stranger_ ~~  
~~_4\. Crowd surf_ ~~  
_5\. Skinny dip at night_  
 ~~_6\. Karaoke (Actual, proper karaoke)_ ~~  
_7\. Get a tattoo_  
 ~~_8\. Public blowjob_ ~~

With a sigh, he finds a byro and crosses of the fifth item on the list, seeing that there's only one left. He should get a tattoo before he leaves, he thinks. Finish the list before he moves out and into his own place. It seems fitting.

He still has no idea what to get, but he decides it should be something to commemorate this time, to remind him of the past few weeks. They're worth remembering.

~~

Niall is asleep when Nick gets home. Nick doesn't kiss his neck when he lies down, doesn't even touch him. Niall only stirs for a moment, and if he rolls further away, it's just to get more comfortable.

~~

The next day, while Nick is at the shop getting groceries, Niall calls about the flats he'd found the night before. There are a few still available and he gets the specifics about them, but when he calls about the one he'd liked the look of most, the estate agent says they can show it that afternoon. Niall makes an appointment to go see it after lunch and hangs up just as Nick walks in, arms loaded with canvas shopping bags.

“Need a hand?” He asks, smiling when Nick struggles to get all of the bags and himself inside the door.

Nick gets the door closed and turns, heaving out a sigh. “I did some impulse buying,” he says, acting gravely serious.

“I see that,” Niall says, grabbing a few of the bags off him. “Did you get that chocolate cake you were practically drooling over last time?”

Nick drops his bags onto the kitchen floor and stares at them thoughtfully, hands on his hips. “You know, I may have gotten two.”

Niall laughs and it feels easy again, like it was. It feels like it until their eyes meet and all Niall can see is Nick hovering above him, eyelids fluttering as he moves his hips, damp hair hanging in his face and lips parted. And then it feels like there's so much space between them that wasn't there before, some invisible barrier keeping them apart.

Nick coughs and looks away after a moment and Niall thinks maybe he went there, too, saw Niall below him, moaning and begging for more. He starts putting away the groceries and it takes Niall a second to shake off the thoughts, but he follows suit, grabbing a bag and unloading its contents.

“So, I'm going to look at a flat this afternoon,” he says, trying to sound casual about it. “It's not far away, looks like a ten minute drive. One bedroom. It's a walk-up but it's just the third floor, so it shouldn't be a problem. As long as my granny doesn't decide to visit.”

He's rambling, he's aware, but he's not sure he wants to see Nick's reaction, so he opens a bag of crisps and starts eating them as he puts away the rest of the groceries.

Nick doesn't answer for a moment and the silence feels thick, almost makes Niall jump out of his skin until Nick finally answers. “Well, that's good then. Sounds nice.”

Niall finally looks up and Nick is busy pulling out the chocolate cake, not meeting his gaze. He sounds distant and Niall sort of wants to shake him and make him look at him. He also sort of wants to kiss him, pull him to bed and have a repeat of Thursday night.

“Yeah,” he says instead, respecting the distance. “It'll be good.”

Once all the food is put away, Niall leans against the counter, popping crisps into his mouth, and watches as Nick pulls out a fork, stabbing it right into the cake. He smiles as Nick takes a bite, moaning when he tastes it. Niall wants to lick the icing from his lip, wants to make him moan in a different way.

“Are you still going to hang out with me when I leave?” He asks because it's something that's been worrying him since he started looking for flats.

Nick swallows the bite of cake, glancing up so quickly that Niall almost misses the brown of his eyes catching his own. “Do you want me to?”

“'Course I do,” Niall answers, his stomach twisting uncomfortably. He puts this crisps aside, unable to eat any more. “I'm not getting my own place to get away from you. It's more the opposite.”

Nick laughs, still not looking at him. “Moving out to get closer to me? Interesting approach.”

And, since Niall's never been very good at beating around the bush, he just says it. “If I thought I could stay here and get closer to you, I would. But I don't think you want that and I don't want to make things weirder, so I figured I'd better go.”

Nick finally looks at him, a hint of a cringe in his expression as he shakes his head. “It's not a matter of wanting, Niall. I think I've made it very clear that I want you.”

“But?” Niall asks, knowing it's there. And since they're talking about it, they may as well clear it all up.

“But I'm a bad boyfriend,” Nick says, exasperated. “I'm a bad boyfriend and you were a bad fiancé and-”

Everything in Niall's body suddenly feels heavy because it's the first time Nick has ever made him feel guilty about the wedding thing. Even if it's true, he can't deny that it stings to hear it coming from Nick.

“Fuck, sorry,” Nick mumbles, wiping at his face with one hand. “See? Bad boyfriend. And we'll just end up fucking each other over.”

Niall shakes his head. “No, I mean, you're just being honest. That's usually a good thing in a relationship.” He's not even sure what he's trying to say, if he's actually even ready to date someone. It hasn't even been a month since his wedding that didn't happen. It's Nick, though, and maybe Niall does want that.

“It's not just that,” Nick sighs, like he hates talking about this. “It's not just me being rubbish at dating, it's the fact that I always pick blokes who are completely bad for me.”

Niall doesn't react to that yet, just waits for him to explain. “Like how?”

There's a slight blush spreading across Nick's cheeks as he finally drops his fork next to the cake, wiping at his face again. “Like, all sorts of ways. I dated a married man for a while, that was a low point.” He cringes and Niall realises he's embarrassed, probably doesn't like talking about his dating history. “One bloke who stole my credit card. Quite a few straight boys,” he says, glancing up at Niall with a meaningful look. “And that just never ends well, does it? Always get spooked and run back to girls. Every bleeding time.”

“And you think that's me,” Niall says, understanding. “Well, newsflash, Nick, I had your dick up my arse not 48 hours ago and I fucking loved it, so-”

“They always do, though,” Nick interrupts. “But once the excitement wears off and they realise they're regularly shagging a bloke, it's like it suddenly hits them. And they get freaked out.”

Niall rubs his neck, the weight of this conversation making his muscles ache. “Okay, maybe _they_ do. But we're talking about _me_ here,” he says, deflating a bit. “Listen, I've only really been with one person. I haven't been single since I was 17, so I haven't exactly had a lot of opportunities to fool around with guys, you know?” He pauses, thinking about it. “It's like aubergines,” he says thoughtfully.

Nick interrupts with a laugh and that helps a lot, the sound breaking the tension. “Aubergines, Niall? Really?”

“Yeah, listen,” he says, waving his hand at Nick. “So, I'd never had an aubergine until last year. I'd never even really thought about it. It's not like I had a _problem_ with aubergines, I just didn't know anything about them except that they were purple and that just doesn't seem natural, you know? But then I was at a restaurant and I tried it and I fucking loved it. And I didn't know if it was just that particular aubergine- the way it was prepared, I mean- or if it was all aubergines, but I loved it.”

Nick stares for a moment, the hint of a smile curling at his lips. “Niall Horan, are you actually comparing gay sex to eating aubergines right now?”

Niall laughs, probably turning bright red in the process, because he honestly hadn't even thought of it like that, like a euphemism. “Well, it fits!”

When he sobers up and Nick is smiling, he feels a bit more comfortable. The distance is still there, but it's not as noticeable as before, not as awkward. Looking at the clock, he sees that it's getting close to one and he needs to leave soon to make his appointment.

“I have to go,” he says, turning back to Nick. “Just, like, keep that in mind. I'm not like those other boys you dated. I don't actually give a fuck that you've got a dick.” He stops, tilting his head. “Or, well, I guess I do give a fuck because I quite like it. But it's not going to stop me from anything, is what I mean.”

Nick just nods, turning serious again, and Niall goes to leave, but stops in front of him. He hasn't even touched Nick in two days and Niall _is_ a hugger, so he moves in quickly, before Nick can protest. It's quick and not enough, but it feels good just to have Nick's arms wrap around him for a moment.

“And just to be clear,” he says quietly, leaning back. “I never actually said I was straight.”

He pulls away then, walking to the door and slipping outside.

~~

The flat is perfect for him. Just enough room, new appliances, even a balcony. It's in his price range and it's not far from his work, absolutely perfect. He sets up a meeting Monday evening to sign the lease.

When he gets home- or, to Nick's flat- Nick is watching Nigella again, this time making some sort of a stew. He looks up when Niall arrives and his quiff is falling, not quite as rigid as usual, his expression far away, like he's deep in thought.

“I liked it a lot,” Niall says, walking over to the sofa and sitting next to Nick. “I think I'll get it.”

Nick nods, still looks like he's thinking hard about something, and Niall scoots closer, turning toward him. “Do you think I should?”

Nick turns toward the telly, but he's clearly not actually watching it. “You never did say you were straight,” he says, apparently ignoring Niall's question. “Been thinking about it and you didn't, but you _were_. You are, aren't you?”

Niall sighs and reaches out to play with Nick's shirt sleeve, picking at the fabric. “If you'd asked a month ago, that's what I would have said, yeah,” he says slowly, running his fingers over Nick's forearm through the fabric of his shirt. “But does that matter? It doesn't to me, honestly. I guess now I'd have to say I'm bisexual, because I do really enjoy your dick, but that's not the point, is it? The point is that I like _you_ , like I'm actually _mad_ for you, if I'm honest.”

Nick turns to him then, and there's fear in his eyes. It takes Niall by surprise because he's always seemed so fearless, always just jumped head first into things and now, looking at Niall, he's holding back.

“I've been mad for you since that first night, when you were still engaged. I've been mad for you every day since, just trying not to show it, trying not to let it get awkward between us because I couldn't stand the thought of you leaving once you were here.”

Niall's heart starts to speed up, wondering what it is he's saying. “And now? Can you stand the thought of me leaving now?”

Nick's expression breaks, a humorless smile appearing on his lips. “No,” he says. “I mean, it's probably for the best, for all the reasons I said before, but no, it's taking all of my willpower not to pin you down and not let you leave.”

He brings a hand to his eyes, covering them, and Niall takes a deep breath, standing up. He drops down again, right over Nick's lap, knees on either side of the older lad's thighs, and he pulls the hand away from his face.

“Then do it,” he says, finally holding Nick's gaze for longer than a fleeting moment. He smiles, pushing his arms over Nick's shoulders, clasping his hands behind his neck. “Pin me down. Don't let me leave.”

Nick looks torn, his hands coming up to carefully slide over Niall's sides, his eyelids falling like he's losing the fight. “I don't want us to hurt each other,” he says carefully.

“We probably will,” Niall replies honestly. “That's what people do. But that doesn't mean it's not worth it.”

Nick closes his eyes and Niall thinks maybe he's steeling himself to push him away, to tell him to get the flat, to leave. Instead, he opens them and looks up at Niall for a lingering moment before pulling him down and pressing their lips together.

Niall breathes out a sigh of relief into Nick's mouth, kissing back with all he's got. As they kiss, he knows that they might hurt each other, probably will, but he'll do anything he can to keep it from happening. They may not have known each other for long, but Nick is too fucking important to let slip away.

“This is mad,” Nick breathes between kisses, his lips catching on Niall's before he pushes back in.

Niall can't help but laugh, breathless and energised, pushing his hands up into Nick's hair. “I was looking for madness,” he replies, smiling against Nick's lips.

Maybe he never needed the bucket list at all. Maybe all along it was just Nick who would turn his life upside down, who would make him feel that excitement, that rush. He thinks so, anyway, because the list is nearly complete and Niall has never felt as excited as he does in this moment, with Nick's hands and lips on him, lifting him up and carrying him to bed.

He's never felt more alive.

~~

~~

Niall gets a tattoo, a small, simple sun inside his arm where he can see it anytime he wants. When Nick sees it, he slowly smiles and, even though Niall knows he gets it, he understands, he doesn't say anything except “it certainly does suit you, love,” gently running his fingers through Niall's hair.

Nick meets his friends and wins them all over, even Louis. They're all a bit stunned when Niall kisses him, all stare wide-eyed at Nick's hand on Niall's thigh and watch when Niall drops his own hand, wrapping their fingers together, but Niall doesn't blame them for the surprise. As long as he's known them, he's been with a girl, so it's an adjustment, he knows. They all handle it well, though, and Niall didn't really expect anything different.

They're still working things out, taking it slowly and just enjoying each other. Niall's not ready to jump into something too serious so soon after almost getting married and Nick is still a little worried that he'll fuck it up, so they leave things as they are for now. With the air cleared between them, it's easier. They like each other, they don't want to be with anyone else, they're happy. And that's all that matters, Niall supposes.

When he gets home from work one night, he goes to the fridge and the list is gone. Frowning, he peeks into the living room where Nick is sprawled on the sofa, and asks what's happened to it. With a smile, Nick tells him it's in their bedroom and Niall almost forgets about it when he hears that. _Their_ bedroom. It makes him feel like his place in Nick's flat isn't so temporary anymore. And maybe the same even goes for his place in Nick's life.

In the bedroom, he looks around and spots something new on the wall, then sees that it's the list. It's in a simple black frame, the piece of paper matted with white.

~~_1\. Piss off a roof_ ~~  
~~_2\. Pick a random direction and drive until you hit the sea_ ~~  
~~_3\. Kiss a stranger_ ~~  
~~_4\. Crowd surf_ ~~  
~~_5\. Skinny dip at night_ ~~  
~~_6\. Karaoke (Actual, proper karaoke)_ ~~  
~~_7\. Get a tattoo_ ~~  
~~_8\. Public blowjob_ ~~

He smiles as he reads it over, remembering each moment, each item that he crossed off. They all seem like important events and Niall wonders what would have happened without the list, if things would have gone the same way. He wonders if he would have pushed himself to do new, exciting things without the list, without Nick encouraging him.

When he goes back out into the living room, he finds Nick sitting up on the sofa, holding a pad of paper and a pen.

“Reckon we need a new list,” he says, eyes shining with excitement, with possibility.

Niall feels it, too, grinning brightly as he drops down next to Nick. “We absolutely do,” he says, pulling the paper and pen out of Nick's hands and dropping them on the floor next to them. “But first, kiss me.”

He pulls Nick over him, pressing their mouths together, and thinks about all of the things they could do together. He doesn't doubt that they will, they'll do it all, cross one item off the list at a time.

Honestly, as long as Nick's there with him, Niall would have fun doing just about anything.


End file.
